Hakuna Matata

I seldom write on first person basis, I don't trust (me, others) enough to do that. However, I have been having a terribly rough patch for the past four or so months forcing me to feel the urge to write more and more in that manner - hence, the side blog - wonderbot diaries. Noone has access to this one but me. Bit pointless it may seem - I have never been good at keeping diaries, but have always wanted to and I find typing allows for a more comfortable link to my brain than the pen on paper mode.

It has mildy helped.

Depression is a frightening and lonely thing. Noone quite understands it, noone quite knows what to do when they find themselves in the downward spiral it brings forth. You can hope others can help you, but they seldom can - as well-meaning and wonderful as they may be. It is after all your brain mind emotion loss worry fear and deep deep drowning sadness. It suffocates, disconnecting your actions from your mind.

It does not help to hear snap out of it; it's not that bad; time heals all; thats no reason to get this upset!; depression is something far more serious than what youre experiencing sweetie; kill yourself then - to cite a few. However, that does not mean that the above phrases hold no truth or actual solutions. It just does not help to hear it.

The thing about it is that it stems out of something so close to your heart, helping it to better grab hold of the same poor heart. Then you cry sleep shout hurt yourself engage in inane activities stare for hours and comtemplate the worst - its simply a battle youre waging against the damn thing but with each of those actions its hold on your heart gets worse.

Vicious cycle as it were.

Honestly, sometimes thinking about the grander scheme of things and how whether or not anything else in life is, death is a sure thing and won't let you down- sometimes - just sometimes - helps. Allows you to say, well my life will surely surely come to an end someday - so might as well try something else now.

Sometimes, the Universe steps up and the whole world goes out of the way to make you happy. That surely helps.

The trick is to Think even while your heart is being strangled by big-old-depression. And sometimes your mind just comes through for you. Says buddy, I got this and poof* you're happy again.

poof* yes.

[hum, not very scientific I understand - do not wish to offend/upset (further?) any similarly or otherwise depressed people.]

Mr. M

he placed her body on the floor. she was still breathing.
he stripped off all her clothes and the dignity tangled up in them
he sliced her body right through the middle, and peeled her skin off slowly
moved some of the slush around, her flesh and blood could not help her now
she died slowly, and he continued

he grinned. there it was. beating away.
he took it in his bare hands, and gave it a squeeze.

pop*
then he slapped her across her bloody face
got up and left

what Misery did to her, only he could do.

sunshine people and the ugly bean.

there are a lot of very very
annoying people in the world

they all seem very merry
making you just want to hurl

they wake up every morning
singing sweet sunshine songs

you yell some usual warnings
but then start to sing along

halfway through the song you know
you have quite compromised

you have sunk, your lowest low
yet don't feel so surprised.

la lal la la la la la aa
la la la la la
la la la la la la la aa
la la la la la

(sing it in a merry tune) (unless you don't want to)

prepare thy floodgates.

crying is something to be wary of as it involves tears and tears are much like most forms of water.

Water through a small pathway, always erodes and makes way for more of itself to flow through. You allow yourself to cry once, a little. Your tears then start to pave their way, bigger, wider and flow through steadily. Eroding your mind and heart through the years; soon nothing can hold them back.

However, as steadily as it flows you always reach a point where you run out.

make me a fellow, hello.

Parvathi, Shiva's wife - She wanted to take a bath and noone was available to stand guard outside. So she decides to make herself a son of clay and mud to stand guard for her as she bathes.

She makes a boy and brings him to life - directs him to not allow Anyone in.

Surely enough, he takes her very seriously and when Shiva returns home, he finds his path blocked by a little boy. Tries to get by him, and cannot. A number of other Gods etc. are called upon to remove this fellow - and they fail.

Vishnu finally comes along and chops his head off with his chakra.

Parvathi comes out crying and accuses them of killing her son. So Shiva finds an elephant's head to replace the head that has been chopped off.

Hello, Ganesha.

(I was just thinking of how it would be if everyone could mould people to their satisfaction. Chaos would result, most probably.)

re-phrase

"kill me Now"

This line goes off in my brain a wonderful number of times in a day. True, I tend to parrot a particular phrase during certain phases of my life - well the latest is this.

With feeling people, say it with me

God what is that awful outfit that girl has on!
Kill me now

Why is it so fucking hot
Kill me now

My life in college is almost over
Kill me now

I'm fat and getting fatter. Tort based remedies in consumer law. Shortcake biscuits got stale. The damned ipod just fell off my bed. I need to wake up for class. True love could be a scam.

Kill me now.

tontyfaihvetheengs about me.

I love talking about myself and thinking about myself too much to not do this.

Dont call me a slut, its rude.

1. I think about my death everyday, in different ways;
2. I believe I'm going clinically and otherwise mental and yes it scares me very much;
3. I am capable of being so happy that my mind hurts, and not as rarely as you/I'd imagine - I'm also capable of being so sad that I get physically sick;
4. I am jealous of every single person I know, well/barely - only the degree of jealousy differs;
5. I often feel small, ugly and insignificant - That does not stop me from wondering what any boy/girl likes/sees in any girl but me;
6. I am capable of being very shallow or selfish, but I do spare those I love;
7. I cannot sing, but for a long while I thought "chura liya" was the one song I could sing miraculously well;
8. My scooter was named Neo, after Keanu Reeves in matrix, because it was all black (reference to said keanu's clothes and not colour), sexy (he was in the movie) and the One (for me);
9. I have had a super childhood, which is now over - so I can make that statement without jinxing it;
10. I am capable of falling in love completely, overwhelmingly and suffocatingly;
11. I take photos of myself constantly and often don't like what I see - so I delete and replace them with much effort of those in which I do like what I see;
12. I'm a gift whore - you can definitely win me over with the right (or somewhat acceptable) gifts - I also have a hundred things ready in my head as what would be perfect gifts for me;
13. I might actually marry anyone who comes up to me with the perfect ring - aside, I think of my marriage/wedding - positively/negatively - almost thrice a week (if not more);
14. I love kids, I'm not sure I want any anymore;
15. An inconvenient truth is the one scary film I have stopped half way and refused to watch;
16. I'm a hypocrite - and I hold in myself everything that I find despicable in others;
17. I manage to love myself despite point 16;
18. I believe my fear of getting sexually assaulted/harassed has hugely affected the way I choose to live my life; (so, essentially, I often end up wishing I'd been born a boy)
19. I end up missing the most random people and not missing the most likely;
20. I cannot keep in touch with friends - and it seldom bothers me that I cannot - however, it bothers me very much that it seldom bothers me that I cannot;
21. I wish I could cook well (still don't know that I can't) - I play online cooking games very very often; (these are games where you make burgers/hotdogs/fries etc as people order them from you - and then you earn money - check cooking category here)
22. I want a doll house and a typewriter;
23. Often, in tense situations, a thought jumps into my head as to what would be the most inappropriate thing for me to do at that point would be, and then I have to very physically stop myself from doing it;
24. I need to pee or puke everytime I think I need to pee or puke and there is no way for me to do it;
25. Twenty five is simply not enough;
26. I would never actually be able to put up twenty five things about me that people don't already know/haven't already guessed up on my blog or even write them down giving them solid existence in the real world.

Twenty Six, Ha!.

passing

there had been
his pharmacy,
his wife at sixteen, at seventy,
his three daughters and one son a stranger,
their children,
love
hope
deep sadness and insult, with not a word spoken and many a tear shed
humour,

overwhelming fear of death

and then,
the air he breathed eloped with his life

Hoobastank

Hooba stank, but not as much as the last few months have for me.

CSJ - Constant Subconscious Jitters

I have CSJ
CSJ I have
I have CSJ and I have it bad

I have CSJ I dont know what to do
If you had CSJ you'd be worried too

t a d a

I, me

only I can speak to me
for only I speak so softly
only I care to comfort
only I can comfort me
if you come and try to feel
what has caused my mind to bleed
my mind bleeds as I speak to me
only I speak so tenderly.

dont call me

for I dont need you, or you.
and when you call me
it reminds me that I do.

suicidal

can it be said,
to be suicidal is not just when you want to kill yourself
but when you would not mind dying.
no.

are you depressed,
when you disregard death and what he stands for.
absence of life.
for there is absence of life in any case.

is it true,
that you can lose your mind, heart and faith
in a moment. by a person. for a concept. for a lie.

call me crazy, suicidal.

ant

clover girl, clever girl
so restless, so blue
she might not seem
so special to you

she is to me
small, sweet
young, free
world at her feet

an open heart is a dangerous thing

like open windows, open hearts let all fly in.
and pain flies in so freely.
you are not blind to the world around,
and in comes flying misery
there are so many people, of so many kinds
and most are so unhappy
you feel their feelings, you read their minds
your heart then starts to bleed

you could close your heart, and close your mind
so you can no longer see
but once you do, please understand
you will also no longer feel

The blind king and his blindfolded wife

Dhritrashtra was the blind king of the Kauravas. His wife Gandhari remained blindfolded, her husband could not see the world, that world she did not wish to see.

Dhritrashtra acted against 'dharma' as understood in the pre kali yuga times. He let his 'evil' son do as he pleased, and remained a blind witness to atrocities committed by him.

He has been punished to serve eternity as a blind man, with a blind wife, in the world as we know it.

I see them every morning, by the side of the ramp on Curry Road station. Begging for alms, blind and begging for alms.

RED

She was pushed to a corner,
increasingly angered,
so choked she could not speak.

Her feelings surrounded her,
and then she surrendered,
and went on a killing streak.

Watch out she comes, the black one,
the witch, cursing and
slashing her sword, it reeks

of hurt and anger,
of sadness turned madness,
on a terrible killing streak.

She cannot be stopped,
She will not be spurned,
All in her path turn weak.

As she wails and rages,
screams and engages,

in a blood immersed,
unholy and cursed,
unspeakable killing streak.

Moonwise

Moon on a roll
went once around
she came to a girl
a boy had found

She told that young girl
see the world like me
before you decide
who the boy is to be

I once fell in love
with the sea, you see
But it wasn't the sea I loved,
it was the way I saw me
reflected off his shine, his beauty
It was still me I loved, so I had to leave

But he still tries to reach me at night
tries to drown me out in high tide
He causes waves, gets rough, storms just so
my reflection in him, I can see no more

So girl be careful, be very wary
for you and I are alike, its only ourselves we see,
But you hurt those you touch, and cause to believe
that your love is true, selfless and free

porcelain

The porcelain doll,
rosy, red,
skips, falls,
breaks, she bled

Her head struck open,
Her skull, a shell,
the porcelain doll,
was stupid as hell

joy

there was a boy, not a toy
so lost, she found
he was her joy

the boy then did become her toy,
her will her wish her wants
her joy

the boy then found a will to find
himself his soul his mind
his joy

the girl she lost her will to find
she lost her boy, her toy
her joy

the end