So i got sick, and the world turned grey

The sun got silent, in those silent rays

I got worse, and thought decayed

And I just waited, for that one day

Where you sing to me, my love my love

Of those lazy dreams and violent words

Of where we’ll be years from now

That I will not die, not without you

crush

Its very hard to crush a thought

you’ve let grow in your mind, and crawl into your heart

ARGHHHH ARGH AGHR AGHRGHSGSHG SHG'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa.AAAAAA.

FUCK

dont fall for it, but do

find my stupid smile

let it lead your way

waste you make you drown

take your breath away

its just a stupid smile

you know trained to be fake

it'll wash away in some time

and you'll wish you could make it stay

hit me hard

hit me with a high

12 shots and 1 drag

hit me with your smile

5 calls and 1 night

hit me with all you've got

all it takes to make me see

You're the one, You're my god

break me baby with all you've got

its true love not make believe

drag me down to your car

make me drive close my eyes

"crash and burn, who cares, you're mine"

crash and burn, hit me hard

its true love and alcohol

Ctrl F

it would be very useful if I could just Ctrl F my life and

find the word I'm looking for.

try me

I'm a lazy person and I don't want to work

I dont want to work out. I dont want to go out.

I dont want to outdo. I dont want to do that

dont dont dont dont

cant shan't wont

its my party and i'll cry if i want to

my body my art i will tear if i want to

its my mind, abuse it i shall

with memories and fantasies. think what i gave up

what i wish i never had

think think think dream burn ache

till all the tears run dry

i value my mind, but abuse it i shall

my generation

when I die, what will you do

with my facebook profile

would you still write on my wall

tag me in photos

poke me? send me flowers?

what will you do.

hack into it, and terminate.

say goodbye.

you wont, you wont write on my wall

you wont know what to do.

Would you spare me some change?

I believe I have locked myself into a circle

I stop at a point I started at, or

Start at a point I stopped at last.

The world repeats itself, and it makes me dizzy

Would you spare me some change?

Change my world around

Would you pull me along as you take

Your fresh new life for a round

Care to join me for a walk?

All day long, people around me talk

So do I, and far too much

Care to join me for a walk?

A trot, a jump, a dance

working the office space

you were the last high

where should I go now, after you've entered my mind

what were fantasies in what was an exaggerated world, gone but back now

you were the last high

you were the last high

don't come back, you know you will but where would we go

where can I take you today, what shall we do

shall we dance, shall we head to that dark corner in my head

feeling shame can wait

enough now, you were the last high

you are the last high

harmless, unharmed we exist in my mind

harmless, its harmless and now not, enough now

nothing else compares

confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks
and my
life in a coldplay song, don't feel shy do sing along
where my
my days now lead, and how time does bleed
i'm not
not part of the cure, am I a part of the disease

singin..

argh
.

and when the world turns poetic around, it feels like the end is near

stand

so I leave home tomorrow, to go find myself a house
in this big exciting? new city, to start work
to be responsible, to grow up, to wake up
and smell the stinky air.

to yawn loudly and upset the neighbours, if I find a house
to cook and not burn many south indian delicacies
to take late night cab rides
to use a quilt in 38degrees
to buy new green sunglasses, made of actual glass
to celebrate my 23rd birthday
to stalk shahrukhkhan or just eat bhel

I'm not too sure what to expect, so

Ancient Chinese Proverb #2

Expect little, get little - smile a sad knowing smile
Expect lots, get little - feel like a damned fool

what?

hum

while the cutie is away, the cats shall play
and then they get bored, they miss the cutie
they go "cutie, cutie, come back", sigh

they await the return of the cutie

hitch

So, where would you like to get off?

I don't know.

What do you mean?

You look pretty.

Thank you, um. Well, when will you know?

Your hair smells nice.

Yes, well, when will you know?

Know what?

Ok, please get out.

why?

You frighten me. Please go.

If I said no.. there isn't much you can do.

Please

no..

fun

What sounds like fun? Dancing the night away.
I don't mind, I'd like to try. Even if it isn't, it is still fun to say
I danced the night away

drama queen

my tears are not true
they simply make me pretty
I cry, sometimes I weep
but I do to make me pretty

my tears are as transparent as they are transparent
they are salty, make me pretty
hysterically I wail
but just to make me pretty

what can I say, my face now knows
crying suits me, so bring on the woes

And the Universe delivers

Well, here's a sense of satisfaction. Its been one of those weeks where the Universe decides that you're too slow for the hidden lessons of life and comes right out and teaches you a few things, like a big fat slap on the face would teach you to.. well a big fat slap might teach you just about anything.

See, the Universe usually goes -

let her learn patience from the sun which shines endlessly;
let her learn of generosity from the candle which burns to give light to others, while destroying itself; etc.

However, when you go on ignoring these subtle hints and valuable lessons long enough, things start getting clearer, more direct. You hear all these stories, see all these frighteningly real things - and a lot of the factors involved strike you as having a close resemblance to those arising out of some of your more undesirable characteristics - for example


let her learn that her hysterical behavior will cause her husband (if she ever marries) to leave her and take up tai chi classes in Guilin and her children (if she ever has any) to grow up as wife-beaters from her screaming aunt;
let her learn that if she talks about people behind their backs long enough she will have no one left to talk to from her ex-best friend; and so forth.

So, its been that sort of a week. No, I cannot list out what I've been taught in the espresso shots lesson time by the Universe. Suffice it to say, it was refreshing and well - timed.

Meet a relatively improved ME.

keys

1. Always, always, own your own set of keys;
2. Do Not hand out too many copies to lovers, to friends, to family or neighbours.
3. If you do Not follow No. 2 - do Not then complain about having anything stolen or broken.

disfigured recognition

Someone she held close to her heart had gotten erased from her memory. It might have been because she requested it to be done, or it might have been involuntary. Hardly the point seeing as the end result remains that she does not remember him, and therefore she will not know whether this was what she wanted or not.

So now he comes along in her reality and her dreams, and she does not recognise him. However, fate being ever so sadistic, leaves her with an uneasy sense of familiarity and sadness. She wonders what this sense could be. Being a romantic, she believes it to be love from another time.

She eventually kills herself, because whether it was love from another time or not, it was not love now and this shadow memory fate left her with only frightened her and caused her to weep.

She liked to believe she had control over her mind, when that turned out to be false, she took her own life; it was simply too confusing, too much of a bother to breathe to give life to a mind which had a life of its own, and then where was she?Her soul had been cut in half. It was done, it was a mess and all very confusing. Now shes no more, so lets leave it at that.

on sexual harassment

its tough to define exactly to what extent the actions/words of men can amount to sexual harassment of a woman. The same actions/words by a friend may be forgiven, but coming from someone else might still be harassment. Sometimes, if it does not quite amount to harassment, sadly, its the only thing you can term the horrible thing done/said to get any sort of response from an entirely incapable-of-understanding majority in society.

From personal experience, men seldom, if ever, understand what comprises sexual harassment unless its in a form which slaps you in the face. The anger hurt fear and shame a girl feels when it does happen to her, make it very hard to miss when it does happen. We had a lesson in our sociology course, a class which most people in my class couldn't quite follow, that it is very hard to chalk out the same idea of 'modesty' for every girl - it does differ - so when it comes to outraging a girl's modesty, its very hard to determine when it has been done and when not.

Anyway, I was talking about anger, hurt, fear and shame - very strong emotions - not always translating into strong actions by the girl concerned though. Sometimes, fear or shame is overpowering so we shut up. Sometimes the hurt is overpowering so we cry. And sometimes, the anger is overpowering and we react.

Now, Noone can judge when a girl who has been through such an episode, whether in your eyes it amounts to sexual harrassment or just harmless teasing, has anger, hurt, fear or shame overpowering her. Sometimes, women who have been raped only have the principal element of fear or shame and cannot file a complaint. Sometimes, what maybe construed as harmless teasing, over years of feeling helpless or turning ones back, can allow anger to be overpowering.

If she reacts, and you havent the slightest clue how it feels to be in a position where you feel the way she does then, you shut the hell up. You dont judge. You dont criticise. You dont support. You dont argue. You cannot begin to have the slightest clue, so you shut the hell up.

Its always easy to comment- shouldve complained, or in the other hand, she shouldve not made such a big deal out of something - its personal, complicated and beyond your understanding, whether youre a girl or a boy- honestly, you cannot ever know for sure, so you shut up.

oh happy day

Even though no shopping got done, today has been a good day.
An incredible feeling of satisfaction with life, myself and apple candy.
The trip from city to Shamirpet has never been this beautiful, window seat in the bus, the temple on the way never looked this serene, the weather was lovely and the smell of rain on earth my constant companion for the trip, the neat army houses with large verandahs and yards, the abandoned white building with the prettiest doorway, everything was beautiful, even at peace.
I have very few days left in this college, and I intend to enjoy my time here my way, which is suddenly brilliantly clear to me.

driftythought

Playing a lot of NFS makes me look at all roads differently - dont drink and drive - also dont play NFS and drive.

Pens always go missing before exam days - so does the penseller sometimes.

My phone battery has suddenly gone suicidal on me - and I love my phone.

My haldirams 'tasty treats' packet has remained opened and lying around for more than a week - its still yummy.

(ok its actually 'tasty nuts')

I think Radha is a lovely name - and Karna - but I don't know if I'd name any kid of mine Karna - what if he has terrible luck? - But he might also be the nicest person ever.

Absolut.
Absolut..

I miss my grandfather

hungry.. today's lunch isn't one of the best.

OH wait! its the cool fried ladysfingers

ok bye

Goa Words

• Danza!
• Jamaai
• Spilt-Lumamba
• Strange-man-photo
• Teeth-banging
  
• Tip-rejecting-bastardfaces
• Rose-buds
  
• drunken-test-driving
• 'CHASCAA'
• Activa
• Fort-graffiti
• Not-so-Rajbhag
• Jumpy-Holdy-Waves
  
• Happiness
  
• Giant-Man-Monkey
  
• Vegetarian-mushroom-burger-from-hell
• Holi-crap
• Savior-tide
  
• 'PEOPLE'
• NYU
• Crabby-patch
• One-man-show
  
• Manchurian
  
• Orange-juice-from-heaven
  
• English-Breakfast
• Farewell-dress
• Turtle-search
• Jaws-self-scare
  
• Cuba
• MTV-pharmacist
  
• Homie, Homes, Homibaba a.k.a. Pubby
• Himesh (R)
• Salty-dog
• White-russian
• Jump-up-and-kiss-me
• Golden-fried-squid
  
• Sheep-people
• Purple-yeti-people
• Llama-purple-people

The trip was lovely and well worth the wait :)

International Humanitarian Law (Irony)

IHL is driving me crazy
its so dry and crappy
I take one look at the book and feel lazy
So I close it and feel quite happy

Oh, IHL
why be the bane of my life
Oh, IHL
why make me feeeelll... like stabbingmyselfrepeatedlywitha knife

return to

shaky steps to the future
sure beat standing at the same spot
will eat and laugh, get fat and happy
and maybe grow a lot

and i sing to make me happy and i sing to keep me sad
and i sing to keep life simple and go a little mad

prefect went mad for a while
perfect ly worthwhile

but now im done and ready to be sane
and try never to sink again

Hakuna Matata

I seldom write on first person basis, I don't trust (me, others) enough to do that. However, I have been having a terribly rough patch for the past four or so months forcing me to feel the urge to write more and more in that manner - hence, the side blog - wonderbot diaries. Noone has access to this one but me. Bit pointless it may seem - I have never been good at keeping diaries, but have always wanted to and I find typing allows for a more comfortable link to my brain than the pen on paper mode.

It has mildy helped.

Depression is a frightening and lonely thing. Noone quite understands it, noone quite knows what to do when they find themselves in the downward spiral it brings forth. You can hope others can help you, but they seldom can - as well-meaning and wonderful as they may be. It is after all your brain mind emotion loss worry fear and deep deep drowning sadness. It suffocates, disconnecting your actions from your mind.

It does not help to hear snap out of it; it's not that bad; time heals all; thats no reason to get this upset!; depression is something far more serious than what youre experiencing sweetie; kill yourself then - to cite a few. However, that does not mean that the above phrases hold no truth or actual solutions. It just does not help to hear it.

The thing about it is that it stems out of something so close to your heart, helping it to better grab hold of the same poor heart. Then you cry sleep shout hurt yourself engage in inane activities stare for hours and comtemplate the worst - its simply a battle youre waging against the damn thing but with each of those actions its hold on your heart gets worse.

Vicious cycle as it were.

Honestly, sometimes thinking about the grander scheme of things and how whether or not anything else in life is, death is a sure thing and won't let you down- sometimes - just sometimes - helps. Allows you to say, well my life will surely surely come to an end someday - so might as well try something else now.

Sometimes, the Universe steps up and the whole world goes out of the way to make you happy. That surely helps.

The trick is to Think even while your heart is being strangled by big-old-depression. And sometimes your mind just comes through for you. Says buddy, I got this and poof* you're happy again.

poof* yes.

[hum, not very scientific I understand - do not wish to offend/upset (further?) any similarly or otherwise depressed people.]

Mr. M

he placed her body on the floor. she was still breathing.
he stripped off all her clothes and the dignity tangled up in them
he sliced her body right through the middle, and peeled her skin off slowly
moved some of the slush around, her flesh and blood could not help her now
she died slowly, and he continued

he grinned. there it was. beating away.
he took it in his bare hands, and gave it a squeeze.

pop*
then he slapped her across her bloody face
got up and left

what Misery did to her, only he could do.

sunshine people and the ugly bean.

there are a lot of very very
annoying people in the world

they all seem very merry
making you just want to hurl

they wake up every morning
singing sweet sunshine songs

you yell some usual warnings
but then start to sing along

halfway through the song you know
you have quite compromised

you have sunk, your lowest low
yet don't feel so surprised.

la lal la la la la la aa
la la la la la
la la la la la la la aa
la la la la la

(sing it in a merry tune) (unless you don't want to)

prepare thy floodgates.

crying is something to be wary of as it involves tears and tears are much like most forms of water.

Water through a small pathway, always erodes and makes way for more of itself to flow through. You allow yourself to cry once, a little. Your tears then start to pave their way, bigger, wider and flow through steadily. Eroding your mind and heart through the years; soon nothing can hold them back.

However, as steadily as it flows you always reach a point where you run out.

make me a fellow, hello.

Parvathi, Shiva's wife - She wanted to take a bath and noone was available to stand guard outside. So she decides to make herself a son of clay and mud to stand guard for her as she bathes.

She makes a boy and brings him to life - directs him to not allow Anyone in.

Surely enough, he takes her very seriously and when Shiva returns home, he finds his path blocked by a little boy. Tries to get by him, and cannot. A number of other Gods etc. are called upon to remove this fellow - and they fail.

Vishnu finally comes along and chops his head off with his chakra.

Parvathi comes out crying and accuses them of killing her son. So Shiva finds an elephant's head to replace the head that has been chopped off.

Hello, Ganesha.

(I was just thinking of how it would be if everyone could mould people to their satisfaction. Chaos would result, most probably.)

re-phrase

"kill me Now"

This line goes off in my brain a wonderful number of times in a day. True, I tend to parrot a particular phrase during certain phases of my life - well the latest is this.

With feeling people, say it with me

God what is that awful outfit that girl has on!
Kill me now

Why is it so fucking hot
Kill me now

My life in college is almost over
Kill me now

I'm fat and getting fatter. Tort based remedies in consumer law. Shortcake biscuits got stale. The damned ipod just fell off my bed. I need to wake up for class. True love could be a scam.

Kill me now.

tontyfaihvetheengs about me.

I love talking about myself and thinking about myself too much to not do this.

Dont call me a slut, its rude.

1. I think about my death everyday, in different ways;
2. I believe I'm going clinically and otherwise mental and yes it scares me very much;
3. I am capable of being so happy that my mind hurts, and not as rarely as you/I'd imagine - I'm also capable of being so sad that I get physically sick;
4. I am jealous of every single person I know, well/barely - only the degree of jealousy differs;
5. I often feel small, ugly and insignificant - That does not stop me from wondering what any boy/girl likes/sees in any girl but me;
6. I am capable of being very shallow or selfish, but I do spare those I love;
7. I cannot sing, but for a long while I thought "chura liya" was the one song I could sing miraculously well;
8. My scooter was named Neo, after Keanu Reeves in matrix, because it was all black (reference to said keanu's clothes and not colour), sexy (he was in the movie) and the One (for me);
9. I have had a super childhood, which is now over - so I can make that statement without jinxing it;
10. I am capable of falling in love completely, overwhelmingly and suffocatingly;
11. I take photos of myself constantly and often don't like what I see - so I delete and replace them with much effort of those in which I do like what I see;
12. I'm a gift whore - you can definitely win me over with the right (or somewhat acceptable) gifts - I also have a hundred things ready in my head as what would be perfect gifts for me;
13. I might actually marry anyone who comes up to me with the perfect ring - aside, I think of my marriage/wedding - positively/negatively - almost thrice a week (if not more);
14. I love kids, I'm not sure I want any anymore;
15. An inconvenient truth is the one scary film I have stopped half way and refused to watch;
16. I'm a hypocrite - and I hold in myself everything that I find despicable in others;
17. I manage to love myself despite point 16;
18. I believe my fear of getting sexually assaulted/harassed has hugely affected the way I choose to live my life; (so, essentially, I often end up wishing I'd been born a boy)
19. I end up missing the most random people and not missing the most likely;
20. I cannot keep in touch with friends - and it seldom bothers me that I cannot - however, it bothers me very much that it seldom bothers me that I cannot;
21. I wish I could cook well (still don't know that I can't) - I play online cooking games very very often; (these are games where you make burgers/hotdogs/fries etc as people order them from you - and then you earn money - check cooking category here)
22. I want a doll house and a typewriter;
23. Often, in tense situations, a thought jumps into my head as to what would be the most inappropriate thing for me to do at that point would be, and then I have to very physically stop myself from doing it;
24. I need to pee or puke everytime I think I need to pee or puke and there is no way for me to do it;
25. Twenty five is simply not enough;
26. I would never actually be able to put up twenty five things about me that people don't already know/haven't already guessed up on my blog or even write them down giving them solid existence in the real world.

Twenty Six, Ha!.

passing

there had been
his pharmacy,
his wife at sixteen, at seventy,
his three daughters and one son a stranger,
their children,
love
hope
deep sadness and insult, with not a word spoken and many a tear shed
humour,

overwhelming fear of death

and then,
the air he breathed eloped with his life