Anita

Thought: It struck her one day - no one in the world who knew her for the person she is, loved her very much. They actually despised most of who she was.

Saving grace: She was known for her sudden demonstrations of real affection. She gave everyone she held near her heart, a rare but severe show of true compassion. Rare, yes. But enough for them to fight.

Fight very hard.

Fight against all that she was, on ordinary days, for those special days. They had to fight to love her despite.

Monster maker: Everyone was aware that any real flaw in their character was brought about by her. They were sure that they would never behave the way they did when she drove them crazy, when she made them mad. It was her fault, she made monsters out of them all.

They still held on. They still forgave her, accepted her apologies, her lack of apologies, her smile and the sudden boomerang of happiness she threw their way. But they knew, it wouldn’t be long till they’d had enough.

So the question really was.

Question: Do we tell her now? Or do we wait, for another unpleasant day, to say goodbye.

So: Self-destruction can be brought on through others.

i want goa

lesson #1

It is possible to have the joy sucked out of every imaginable thing. Every. Thing.

So don't get too happy yet. Just wait.

strange love

I love you I've a drowning grip, on your adoring face

I love you, my responsibility has found a place.

- 'Piazza, New York Catcher' - Belle & Sebastian.

This song has been in my head for weeks now.

--

I feel quite happy sometimes knowing that I love. That I can truly say that I love. I feel happy that I know what the feeling is and I know what the word means and I have a lot of people and non-people to thank for that.

It starts with a huge kick, a giant gi-normous high. Every single time I feel it. Woooosh. shudder. (a nice kind of shudder). Then I feel mildly breathless for a bit. Foof.

ha.

I see a building or house that I love. Woooosh.

I eat some cake I love. Mm. mm. mm.

I buy a bag I love. Giant silly grin and happy.

People.

Now, people is where my problem with love is.

With people, it is a super bonanza high. Hits the peak and then comes the giant plunge downward.

I'm flitting around in the general cloud #9 neighbourhood. I just can't keep it in. I write about it. I smile a lot. I jump around a bit. I feel happy.

Then comes Fear. Unbreakable binding suffocating and irrational fear - almost always follows.

Drowning grip.

Why.

why why why

---

Well, love is damn addictive all the same.

Also, I've been fighting the urge to add a bunch of smiley faces to this post.

:)

oh come on.

make no mistake

you could be too blue, but never too green for me

I could look right into you, but that green I'd never see.

Please take your crayon colours, hide them all away from me

But tell me where, you keep your life, in recorded memories

You could try and share them, we could have popcorn and see

What it is you've lived, when you've lived it without me

Then we'd share my stories, and see where i had been

We'd then settle for making up,

an entire universe with no conspiracy,

where there is simply us,

and there is no you and me.

come closer

hello, you shine when you smile

how perfect

some lines from 'the Rime of the Ancient Mariner'

Her lips were red, her looks were free,
Her locks were yellow as gold:
Her skin was as white as leprosy,
The Nightmare Life-in-Death was she,
Who thicks man's blood with cold.

- the Rime of the Ancient Mariner

In this poem, the mariner shoots down an Albatross which he believes brought the crew bad luck. Well, it was quite the 'you ain't seen nothing yet' situation. Things pretty much go downhill from when he shoots the poor bird.

All in a hot and copper sky,
The bloody sun, at noon,
Right up above the mast did stand,
No bigger than the moon.

Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, nor breath nor motion;
As idle as a painted ship
Upon a painted ocean.

Water, water, every where,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, every where,
Nor any drop to drink.

The very deep did rot: O Christ!
That ever this should be!
Yea, slimy things did crawl with legs
Upon the slimy sea.

The crew then see a ship approach. Onboard is Death, and Nightmare Life-in-Death. She wins the mariner's life. So as the rest of the crew die, he is forced to live on.

Alone, alone, all, all alone,
Alone on a wide wide sea!
And never a saint took pity on
My soul in agony.

The many men, so beautiful!
And they all dead did lie;
And a thousand thousand slimy things
Lived on; and so did I.

I looked upon the rotting sea,
And drew my eyes away;
I looked upon the rotting deck,
And there the dead men lay.

Read the poem. It's my favourite. Haunting and beautiful.

post midnight blog rambler

because I have a lot of work, I don't blog very much (also because that's about all I have to say. yes)

for some reason just can't bring myself to come home and head straight to sleep

despite being quite, quite tired.

I've listened to 'uff teri adaa' from karthik calling karthik a minimum of twenty times already.

It's still on.

**

I suck at applying nail polish. All my nails are looking quite ok, except One. Which looks like the nail equivalent of 'The Man Without a Face' (Mel Gibson movie) or the Thing from the Fantastic Four. You get the drift.

**

I bought a cool bum-cooler for my laptop. Its supposed to keep my laptop all cool and comfy. Except, while the laptop used to get hot at the bottom before, it gets hot on the top now.

Screw you Belkin.

what?

ok, well true, you screwed me.

Argh.

**

I've bought "The Princess and the Frog". I'm excited about watching it. But, I think I'd be more excited if I had an air conditioner - then I can get all comfortable, eat some chips and watch some Disney. I'm beginning to think that pretty much everything in life would be better with some smooth air-conditioning action at home.

I'm too lazy to go buy one.

**

If I had an AC, I wouldn't have needed the Belkin laptop bum cooler. Just saying.

Are we there yet?

So when do you get off.

Is it when you’re made to cry, or

should you stay till all respect is shredded, torn

and put on fire for good measure.

When will you decide to say enough

Everyone waits,

for someone to say, ‘do not wait for a sign,

from above, below, next door or your dog’

Apparently, it’s no longer simple.
(I’m not sure it ever was)

It’s no longer

Hello, am I happy? No.

Next.

Well I suppose try and get out before your sanity makes that decision

and leaves you behind.

what have you done Madonna

My ipod was on shuffle last night as I was taking a taxi home. This song by Madonna called 'love profusion' started playing. There was a time in college when I'm pretty certain I had this song on repeat for three weeks straight and a few weeks after. I loved this song. It used to be on my phone, my ring tone, on repeat on my laptop, favourite song on my ipod, I used to play it in other people's rooms when I went out of mine.

This wasn't the first, last or only song that's consumed a nice big chunk of my life this way. There have been others.

When those songs play, there's always a sense of nostalgia. I can remember the exact feel of my life as it was then. I feel like I've recorded away a bit of me in these songs. People I loved then, things I was obsessed with, the food I liked to eat a lot, the clothes I wore - it all comes flooding back.

However

Love profusion. The song played once last night. I played it again. Nothing. I played it again.

I couldn't remember a thing. I couldn't imagine why I would have ever liked the song. I couldn't see how I could have let it consume so much of my time. I could not remember the person I was when I used to listen to the damn thing. At all.

The song took the memory of me then and hid it away. Unlike the other nice songs which give me my memory back each time I play them.

What a bitch.

daily rhyme and reason

Sweet bun maska

I won’t dip you in tea

I’ll just eat you up

All buttery

***

Oh memorandum, how many times

Will I have to revise you?

Oh dear client, I’m wasting my time

trying so hard to advise you

Why won’t you just google it

Why won’t you just see

Your questions lack common sense

They don’t qualify as legal queries

Yes, but still ..

Oh alright,

I Know how much you pay me.

(fool)

***

Why colourful post its

Do i love you so

You come in all colours and sizes

Some funky shapes too

Even if a page is of no consequence

I stick on one of you

But sometimes, I’ll admit dear post its

I worry that I misuse you

***

I have a friend who’s disappeared

Off the face of my world

I miss that friend sometimes but then

what to do, my ego is hurt

and I’ve known my ego for longer.

***

How exciting it is to possess

A sexy brand new dress

That i haven’t worn yet

That no one has seen yet

How very super exciting

***

Impatience is no virtue

Alright, I lack the ability to wait for anything I know I want. Biding is not my thing. I cannot bide. Kick stupid biding in the ass. Biding is overrated.

I want now. I want everything I want, now. I know this about myself, and yet, sometimes (quite idiotically) I try and convince myself to not think of what I want or to think I don’t want something I do want.

Well (surprise!) I end up wanting it more. If I wasn’t sure before, my dumbass idea of persuading myself against it backfires repeatedly, to ensure that I think (no, I Know) that I Need whatever it was I only Wanted before.

So I don’t like biding. I don’t like abiding much either. But that’s a different story. Not to say I’m some cool reckless - live it up - girl. I do bide and abide, a lot. But only after some terrific moments of anger frustration almost not biding or abiding some arguments with myself and mental (who am I kidding) ok physical restraint(s).

Alright, so I am clearly an affected party of this allergy I have to biding. But there are those who are affected more. These are the people from whom I ‘expect’. Man.

I ‘expect’ a lot, from a few people. I ‘expect’ quite thoroughly and (I convince myself) quite reasonably. I understand my mind can’t be read. But I assume, given that I’m very vocal about what I want, the expectees would buck-up a bit. Clearly, these expectees almost always have better things to do in life than to ensure that I have whatever I want.

I get angry, throw tantrums and then finally settle for biding.

I hate stupid biding.

Photo(s) of the (Wednes)day

camera-shy meter

was working fine.

but after one blurry shot

bleek

Take your marie biscuit life,

take your plain jane designs

For your future and your wife,

for your planned and sexy life

and throw it out the window.

If it is that much simple now,

sir, it will get too much complicated.

Murthy's law.

are we human or are we dancer

Silly song, but I like it. The Killers. Plays at TGIF all the time. I'm usually high by the third time the song comes on. I like it.

are we human

or are we dancer

my signs are vital

my hands are cold

I'm on my knees

looking for the answer

are we human

or are we dancer

In an interview with Rolling Stone, Flowers said that he was irritated over the confusion about the lyrics and also that fans were unhappy with the song's dance beat: "It's supposed to be a dance song, [the beat] goes with the chorus...If you can't put that together, you're an idiot. I just don't get why there's a confusion about it."

Well Mr. Flowers. It's a silly song. Don't get all bent up about it. I like it.

You could've tried

Are we human

or are we Lancer

the cars were sexy

and they're now so old

I was driving one,

then I got the answer

Must be human

to drive a Lancer

No?

I'm going nuts. The song is good though. I like it.

new poster

So this is a poster I bought yesterday - which I had been looking for forever. Ever since a friend first put up this painting as wallpaper on her computer. Super kicked.

Its 'The Kiss' by Gustav Klimt.

Not the best photo yes.

saved by circumstance

I don't believe I have given enough credit to how much I have been saved by circumstance in the past year.

Never in my life have there been so many mistakes just waiting to be committed, but somehow, it seems like the universe in a gi-normous effort to save my ass (I wouldn't call it a conspiracy - that is usually coming together for an evil purpose - this was an all in all thankgoodness purpose), created circumstance which literally forced me to make no mistakes.

Possible, that I would have made the right choices anyway. But sometimes, its good to have someone absolutely ensuring that you have no way but the right way to go. None of my friends could have played that role. Not my family. That's where I let myself feel happy thinking there's someone else out there watching out for and over the very-human me.

It was the equivalent of an intervention. A much needed one. and it has worked.

Bring on the forces of ugly,

which bring with them inglorious shame

Maybe I’ve hidden my beauty,

behind my walls of rage

Maybe I’ve lost what you once found,

my love, what you helped create

I am no longer your wondrous anyone

No smile breaks my fall from grace

Say goodbye to me now, look me in the eye

Look at my ugly face

I hope you never see it again

due diligence adventure / Photo(s) of the (Wednes)day

It's wednesday. Crap. Do not have any new photos to put up. Crap.

crap crap. um. hmm.

alright, I apologise, here's a photo I took of the Latur airport. In running for the 'cutest airport ever' title.

vote? no?

I'd gone on a due diligence to Latur (don't ask). Its in Maharashtra, somewhere. Kingfisher has flights to and from Latur (not regular, but heck). The people from the company we had to conduct our due diligence on, decided we must first check out their godowns and cold storage units (because they were super proud of them).

Here.

Its pretty cute. The whole trip was. We went to the PVR there (yes) to watch pyar impossible (yes), a ten thirty show (hm.) four women (aha.) yes.

Well, we were a bit scared when getting out. But all ended well.

Our hotel rooms were, well a bit of a blast from the past for me. You see, my family does a lot of temple visiting trips. If you guys have done these trips you will be familiar with what I'm about to go on about. Medimix soap hotels. In these trips you unfailingly stay in a medimix soap hotel. Which is essential a 'hotel' with the barest of minimums. Its got the one sheet. One scratchy rug. One scratchy towel. and. unfailingly again (nice word). A medimix soap.

We stayed in a medimix soap hotel.

Here

Ok, before you judge me for what I'm about to say - please note, the curtains are made of velvet, they're dark and heavy (and musty) and the airconditioner was making these KREEA CH SQUELCH noises and dropping water all over the bed.

Well, after the movie, I came back to this room, had to sleep in it alone. There were, needless to say, a hundred unheard of noises, which could be heard over and above the damned airconditioner. Then there were shadows behind the velvety horror movie curtains.

Got scared out of my wits. Slept for two hours in all. With the lights on.

The next day the sweet company people took us for lunch at the fanciest hotel in Latur and packed us off into our trains headed Mumbai with Loads and Loads of sweets and snackies.

the end.

baglove.

this bag and I go a long way

in the opposite directions.

When will I have you. When will you be mine.

Would you believe I depressed myself with great success with the help of just this bag. An entire day went down the drain starting with this fucker. I realised I would never spend the amount of money it takes to get one of these. No matter how much I earn (at the rate I'm going now) (not taking into account any lottery wins / surprise lost and found uncle inheritance)(then I'll buy).

Well Prada, we'll always have China.