CSJ - Constant Subconscious Jitters

I have CSJ
CSJ I have
I have CSJ and I have it bad

I have CSJ I dont know what to do
If you had CSJ you'd be worried too

t a d a

I, me

only I can speak to me
for only I speak so softly
only I care to comfort
only I can comfort me
if you come and try to feel
what has caused my mind to bleed
my mind bleeds as I speak to me
only I speak so tenderly.

dont call me

for I dont need you, or you.
and when you call me
it reminds me that I do.

suicidal

can it be said,
to be suicidal is not just when you want to kill yourself
but when you would not mind dying.
no.

are you depressed,
when you disregard death and what he stands for.
absence of life.
for there is absence of life in any case.

is it true,
that you can lose your mind, heart and faith
in a moment. by a person. for a concept. for a lie.

call me crazy, suicidal.

ant

clover girl, clever girl
so restless, so blue
she might not seem
so special to you

she is to me
small, sweet
young, free
world at her feet

an open heart is a dangerous thing

like open windows, open hearts let all fly in.
and pain flies in so freely.
you are not blind to the world around,
and in comes flying misery
there are so many people, of so many kinds
and most are so unhappy
you feel their feelings, you read their minds
your heart then starts to bleed

you could close your heart, and close your mind
so you can no longer see
but once you do, please understand
you will also no longer feel

The blind king and his blindfolded wife

Dhritrashtra was the blind king of the Kauravas. His wife Gandhari remained blindfolded, her husband could not see the world, that world she did not wish to see.

Dhritrashtra acted against 'dharma' as understood in the pre kali yuga times. He let his 'evil' son do as he pleased, and remained a blind witness to atrocities committed by him.

He has been punished to serve eternity as a blind man, with a blind wife, in the world as we know it.

I see them every morning, by the side of the ramp on Curry Road station. Begging for alms, blind and begging for alms.

RED

She was pushed to a corner,
increasingly angered,
so choked she could not speak.

Her feelings surrounded her,
and then she surrendered,
and went on a killing streak.

Watch out she comes, the black one,
the witch, cursing and
slashing her sword, it reeks

of hurt and anger,
of sadness turned madness,
on a terrible killing streak.

She cannot be stopped,
She will not be spurned,
All in her path turn weak.

As she wails and rages,
screams and engages,

in a blood immersed,
unholy and cursed,
unspeakable killing streak.

Moonwise

Moon on a roll
went once around
she came to a girl
a boy had found

She told that young girl
see the world like me
before you decide
who the boy is to be

I once fell in love
with the sea, you see
But it wasn't the sea I loved,
it was the way I saw me
reflected off his shine, his beauty
It was still me I loved, so I had to leave

But he still tries to reach me at night
tries to drown me out in high tide
He causes waves, gets rough, storms just so
my reflection in him, I can see no more

So girl be careful, be very wary
for you and I are alike, its only ourselves we see,
But you hurt those you touch, and cause to believe
that your love is true, selfless and free

porcelain

The porcelain doll,
rosy, red,
skips, falls,
breaks, she bled

Her head struck open,
Her skull, a shell,
the porcelain doll,
was stupid as hell

joy

there was a boy, not a toy
so lost, she found
he was her joy

the boy then did become her toy,
her will her wish her wants
her joy

the boy then found a will to find
himself his soul his mind
his joy

the girl she lost her will to find
she lost her boy, her toy
her joy

the end

Heartless Girl

She laid her heart at his feet
And hurt when it got trampled on

‘Half wit girl, why did you lay it there’

‘He smiled at me, sang me a song,
From then to me it did not belong
So I laid it there, to win my love
And he walked out, not looking down
I now cannot mend the thing,
I leave it there and move on’

‘Heartless girl, where will you go?’

She replies not, she carries on

end of psychogirl.

starting up a brand new day

I have so much work to do and no will to do it. Any post I write now is going to sound like I've been locked up in a dungeon to be released to the lions. Um. or some such thing. As you might have made out from the last post. Hum.

Now and then I decide to start my life over. I am yet to succeed. Not that my life sucks that I need to, but I suppose a general desire for change has crept in. This coming from a person who detests change. But, well, I turned a new age recently (ahem) and I think its time to turn over a new leaf and maybe finally grow up.

Boring as that sounds. Its time to kiss psychogirl goodbye. Ok maybe a pat on the back will do.

Pat*

tired of talking to Mr. E
tired of telling him how I feel
tired of asking him where to be
tired, more tired than you would believe

tired of thinking of ways to breathe
tired of being tied to the seat
by strings of my heart, by strings of deceit
tired, so tired I'll admit defeat

tired of wondering how he feels
Mr. E, I'm tired you see
tired of worrying of when you will leave
tired, oh tired of you and me.

two souls

.

why talk about two when there are so many

these two are linked in ways so many

these two are doomed by lies so many

in the realm of insanity like so many



These two souls that i speak of

they come from hearts broken and reek of

sadness and blindness and a mix of

love and dreams and hope of



a future, which stopped meaning to be.



.

dawn.

There are no new days,
and we are, forced to live to see our love die
and we are, forced to cry to save our own lies
and we are, forced to see through worlds of glass

There are no new days, while there is memory.

I would like a drink

pour me something
keep it sweet and cold.
get me high
let me speak
when I tire myself out
carry me home

Introducing: alter ego.

(Found this in my drafts folder. Weird, I don't remember it at all. Someone said its like I have "an intense alter ego". It could also be that I am crazy/ or dont relate to stuff I write. Yes, I can suck the romance out of life. Anyway, here it is.)

Let me into your world,
I know you exist, I know you are real
It is time now I know it, I can feel it
See right through this dream into you

Your world is mine too

Let me into your world,
Is there really no fear there, no demons no lies,
No need to place your life elsewhere,
Where it does not belong, with who

Your world is mine too

I shall cry, a tantrum I shall throw,
You have taken away from me what I cherish most.
How would you feel, do you want my place here.
But how can I be, without you

Your world is mine too

doodle bar.

wonderful weather, come to shankar's with me?

I
in her world of sleep and sound
lost in her world, of sleep and sound
in her own world, her very own,
just lost, without wanting to be found,
by me.

II
there are books, there is money, plenty
immerse yourself, in your empty,
room.
think twice, is this what you want,
to live without what youve got.
In secrets, in layers, never to be discovered,
by me.

III
And you smile, but not at me
and i know you will be there, just not with me
looks like i need you, but cannot ask
instead ill walk with you, in a dream woven true,
by me.

IV
she says, "wonderful weather.."
out loud, or in her mind, it does not matter.