first
horrible day. fuck everyone. fuck life. i wish i were home. i want to jump off this building. i want to slap her. what does he think. who the hell. why the fuck. aaarghhh
then
i hate my life. i hate myself. what am i doing here. what is all this worth. pathetic. lost
silence. it starts.
to let yourself down.
ah.
now theres something
mediocrity. mediocre. average
you look inside yourself and find nothing. nothing to show for the years thatve gone by.
you have no idea who you are. what you like.what you want.
if you want anything at all.
living for the sake of living?
Then you stop looking inside because you start seeing things that you really cant handle. not now. not for a while.
you see what actually goes on in your head. ideas thoughts words images that disgust you. everthing you hate about others right inside you. then you close your mind.
open your eyes. there is the real world. you tell yourself to stop sounding like a drama queen. and that nothing is ever that bad.
not you. not life.
pull yourself together. smile
till the next time you look inside..
2 comments:
i likin d way u wrote this but scary..u ok sweets?
My thought is me: that's why I can't stop. I exist because I think… and I can't stop myself from thinking. At this very moment - it's frightful - if I exist, it is because I am horrified at existing. I am the one who pulls myself from the nothingness to which I aspire. - Nausea [135-6], Jean-Paul Sartre
'I hadn't the right to exist. I appeared by chance, I exited like a stone, a plant or a microbe. My life put out feelers towards small pleasures in every direction.' - Nausea
"I do indeed know what morbid compulsion feels like. Fungus, erosion, disease. The taste of flannel in your mouth. The smell of asbestos in your brain. A rock. A sinking heart, silence, taut limbs, a festering invasion from within, seeping subversion, and a dull pressure on the brow, and in the back regions of the skull. It starts like a fleeting whim, an airy, frivolous notion, but it doesn't go; it stays; it sticks. . .It foreshadows no joy -- and takes charge, and you might just as well hang your head and drop your eyes and give right in. You might just as well surrender at the start and steal that money, strike that match, (masturbate), eat that whole quart of ice cream, grovel, dial that number, or search that forbidden drawer or closet once again to handle the things you're not supposed to know are there. You might just as well go right off in whatever direction your madness lies and do that unwise, unpleasant, immoral thing you don't want to that you know beforehand will leave you dejected and demoralized afterward." - Joseph Heller, Something Happened
"What disturbs and depresses young people is the hunt for happiness on the firm assumption that it must be met with in life. From this arises constantly deluded hope and so also dissatisfaction. Deceptive images of a vague happiness hover before us in our dreams ... and we search in vain for their original ... Much would have been gained if through timely advice and instruction young people could have had eradicated from their minds the erroneous notion that the world has a great deal to offer them." - Arthur Schopenhauer
Why the hell are we conditioned into the smooth strawberry-and-cream Mother-Goose-world, Alice-in-Wonderland fable, only to be broken on the wheel as we grow older and become aware of ourselves as individuals with a dull responsibility in life? - The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Come away, O human child!
to the waters and the wild
with a faery, hand in hand,
for the world's more full of weeping
than you can understand...
- - - W. B. Yeats
I've lived to bury my desires,
And see my dreams corrode with rust;
Now all that's left are fruitless fires
That burn my empty heart to dust.
- - - -Aleksandr Pushkin
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