Bring on the Romance

would you like to change your life around

rally your senses, get them all in line

send them out, send them all out

in search of romance

here are a few places it is usually hidden,

at least, where I have managed to hunt it down

The Old

beautiful old buildings, sometimes the mouldier, dingier, ricketier, creeper-ridden, the better. Sunlight loves beautiful old buildings, how it falls on them is a world different from how it falls on anything else, greets them like an old friend and is reluctant to leave.

_______

old movies, whether you prefer english, hindi, or in my case tamil, there is nothing in this world that can pull at the strings of the heart like an old movie. A time different from ours always brings out wistfulness, which is a strong and large component of romance. In old (tamil) movies, life was always simple, and the problem which drives the main plot of the movie was mostly singular, straightforward, and easily understood. There was this actor called Shivaji Ganeshan. He is one of my all-time favourite actors, and when he died I cried. His acting was always understood by everyone as 'over-acting'.

Yes, he exaggerated. But therein lies the romance. If he cried, he Cried. When he felt love, the pain and happiness was written harsh across his face. When he was dying, oh how he dies. Yet, there was always class. In those movies, there was always class. The emotions were the highlight, and they were exaggerated as highlights should be.

There is romance hidden in these movies, sometimes where you least expect to find it. Watch one, look at their roads, look at their cars, look at the clothes on the people walking by. See how the shops looked, see how an actress (who at this day and age would be cut down for her figure, or lack of one) shines with such beauty, even you would write her poetry. See what she does armed only with her eyes and her smile. How simple it was for her to be perfect. How simple it was for life to be perfect. You long for it, there is your romance. My favourite actress in tamil cinema is Padmini, and she was beautiful in her movies.

As for comedy, there was nagesh. Looks were never on his side, but I don't believe there is another actor, nor any other person, who has made me laugh half as much as he has. He was not just a comedian, he was a wonderful actor, who has made me cry just as much. He died as well recently, and meeting him before he did was high up on my wish-list. He fell sick, just as that meeting looked like a possibility. and I cried.

The music, ah. I lack the ability to describe any of this any further, and I have not done justice so far. But it has to be said.

_____

old photos, of anything, anyone. Have you seen how they were so careful as to how they looked, because a photograph was rare, and it was treated with respect. Years from now, they knew and felt, they'd be remembered as they looked, in these few photographs. Most sit solemn, most sit in studios, well dressed, well arranged and pretty. I do not have very many with me, but there is this one old photo of my grandfather, with my aunt and uncle. I love this photo.

____________

The New

New age photography, new art, new writing. While the old ones hold my interest for wist, the new ones blow my mind with the creativity so evident behind them, how transparent they render the artist's mind. The capacity to create beauty has always existed, but in new art I find identity and boldness of a quality I have not found otherwise. At least, which I have not identified with the way I do now.

_________

Disney. Yes, that is my one stop shop for a quickie romance injection. Not the movies, the animation. It can fill my heart up, make me feel young and standing strong against the incredible rush of hope that invariably floods in, when all ends well, when love creates magic and saves you.

True, life is not exactly how they put it in these movies. But I would never say they were misleading.

__

for me simple is beautiful, simple is romantic

anything simple makes me happy,

but my heart and mind tirelessly lead me away from simple.

while drama is exciting, it sure as hell is not romantic.

time to wake up.

here is a morning that has seen no night

the night is her lover, and they've had a fight

and she fought so hard, and morning is always right

harsh, insistent, ever so bright

the night so elusive, it hardly stays

and that is the morning's only complaint

how can we make this work, she says

whenever I come around, you slink away.

and when my morning, has seen no night

my world turns bleary,

my head turns heavy

my heart is wounded, so easily

my eyes they cry, at touch at sight

all so sensitive, my morning's had a fight.

Advertising might be my calling,

could be what I'm made for after all.

Could have changed the world,

but I might have cut the call.

ha

AM.

I woke up at 6.45 am.

I woke up because someone loved me enough to wake up and wake my flatmate up and make her wake me up at 6.45 am.

I got ready to get to work at 6.45 am.

I am at work at 7.15 am.

Sleep might mean nothing to you,

but it means the world to me.

flake.

Don’t ask me to stop pretending,

Then there would be nothing left of me

Not one emotion, not one smile

you will miss me

Honesty, my friend, is overrated.

a muse.

She returns to her room, drops her bag, falls onto her bed and looks at the fan spinning slowly. Far too slowly, must get up, make it move faster. When its hot, she feels cold.

I’m so hot for her, I’m so hot for her, I’m so hot for her. And she’s so cold.

Who did these people sing to or sing of in these songs. She placed the song in her mind, and sang inside. Imagined herself the muse of some rockstar. Must be quite a rush.

Closed her eyes

Damned if you won’t, come back to me and Damned if you do, forcing me to see

You aren’t really who, I think you to be Or maybe it is I, who isn’t really me.

Maybe you don’t need a muse. All you need is someone to push and shove your heart a bit. It starts bleeding music. Sometimes cheap, sometimes beautiful.

book

How to deal with being Evil.

No no

How to deal with being Evil, for dummies.

That would be a ‘good-buy’ book. Now, to just wait for someone to write it.

sunday, spent

my curtains were being poetic today

light with sunlight

humsafar

tum bhi suffer?

ten minutes of thought explained

-Scared myself silly in my lodge room in Latur last night. Its one of those 'medimix packets, starchy towels, stainy sheets, we're-on-a-pilgrimage, do-not check behind the thick velvet curtains' rooms.

-Exercise might not be my enemy, but fat is now my friend. Even if I bitch about it, I wont actively get rid of it. no.

-Imagined screaming at a partner who in my head was screaming at me. In reality he has no idea who I am. good good.

-I like feeling 'cool' in my head. I think up a lot of situations (day dream) and conjure up great 'show-stopping' actions and words, delivered by me. There's applause sometimes. Long live the spirit of rajnikanth in me.

-I'm not sure if stepping out at 1 in the night in a place like Latur puts a girl in the 'stupid' category or 'brave' category or what. It's sad that it would have to be put in some category. If I said it was to watch pyaar impossible, would your answer change?

-Sometimes I think I might not be able to scream when attacked. Sometimes I think I might scream, just, middle of class or office and then I have to physically shut my mouth to stop myself.

-Caramel custard, when made right and served right, is pretty beautiful.

see.

Thinking straight when your life is going in circles will only make you dizzy.

Eating a lot when your life is going in circles will make you nauseous. You will also become fat.

what?

be mine

don't think twice,

don't think.

just come be mine,

we'll find ourselves a place in this world, whole wide

I'm your rajnikanth, please be my jujube.

it wont be as easy, but come be mine.

split

You're shivering all over, that can't be good. Just calm down.

Easy for you to say.

Have a smoke? Here, take a nice long drag, and let it all out.

I think I might be allergic to cigarettes. I'd throw up.

Well, maybe at first. Overcome that shit, here

No, I think I'm better now. I need some food.

There's some shit lying around in the fridge, been around forever though.

Hmm. I'll take some water.

So, where did you fuck up.

I did NOT.

Ok, ok. ok

so what do we do with this guy

well?

I'm Thinking.

Right.

He made me feel so small, so fucking useless.

Mm.. so he had it coming, got it. got it. Dont worry about it

I'm Not worried. God.

this will be a happy new year, even as it grows old

it isn't called the year of the wonderbot for no reason.

she lived life on the edge,

then life surprised her with death

shove

snicker

So i got sick, and the world turned grey

The sun got silent, in those silent rays

I got worse, and thought decayed

And I just waited, for that one day

Where you sing to me, my love my love

Of those lazy dreams and violent words

Of where we’ll be years from now

That I will not die, not without you

crush

Its very hard to crush a thought

you’ve let grow in your mind, and crawl into your heart

ARGHHHH ARGH AGHR AGHRGHSGSHG SHG'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa.AAAAAA.

FUCK

dont fall for it, but do

find my stupid smile

let it lead your way

waste you make you drown

take your breath away

its just a stupid smile

you know trained to be fake

it'll wash away in some time

and you'll wish you could make it stay

hit me hard

hit me with a high

12 shots and 1 drag

hit me with your smile

5 calls and 1 night

hit me with all you've got

all it takes to make me see

You're the one, You're my god

break me baby with all you've got

its true love not make believe

drag me down to your car

make me drive close my eyes

"crash and burn, who cares, you're mine"

crash and burn, hit me hard

its true love and alcohol

Ctrl F

it would be very useful if I could just Ctrl F my life and

find the word I'm looking for.

try me

I'm a lazy person and I don't want to work

I dont want to work out. I dont want to go out.

I dont want to outdo. I dont want to do that

dont dont dont dont

cant shan't wont

its my party and i'll cry if i want to

my body my art i will tear if i want to

its my mind, abuse it i shall

with memories and fantasies. think what i gave up

what i wish i never had

think think think dream burn ache

till all the tears run dry

i value my mind, but abuse it i shall

my generation

when I die, what will you do

with my facebook profile

would you still write on my wall

tag me in photos

poke me? send me flowers?

what will you do.

hack into it, and terminate.

say goodbye.

you wont, you wont write on my wall

you wont know what to do.

Would you spare me some change?

I believe I have locked myself into a circle

I stop at a point I started at, or

Start at a point I stopped at last.

The world repeats itself, and it makes me dizzy

Would you spare me some change?

Change my world around

Would you pull me along as you take

Your fresh new life for a round

Care to join me for a walk?

All day long, people around me talk

So do I, and far too much

Care to join me for a walk?

A trot, a jump, a dance

working the office space

you were the last high

where should I go now, after you've entered my mind

what were fantasies in what was an exaggerated world, gone but back now

you were the last high

you were the last high

don't come back, you know you will but where would we go

where can I take you today, what shall we do

shall we dance, shall we head to that dark corner in my head

feeling shame can wait

enough now, you were the last high

you are the last high

harmless, unharmed we exist in my mind

harmless, its harmless and now not, enough now

nothing else compares

confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks
and my
life in a coldplay song, don't feel shy do sing along
where my
my days now lead, and how time does bleed
i'm not
not part of the cure, am I a part of the disease

singin..

argh
.

and when the world turns poetic around, it feels like the end is near

stand

so I leave home tomorrow, to go find myself a house
in this big exciting? new city, to start work
to be responsible, to grow up, to wake up
and smell the stinky air.

to yawn loudly and upset the neighbours, if I find a house
to cook and not burn many south indian delicacies
to take late night cab rides
to use a quilt in 38degrees
to buy new green sunglasses, made of actual glass
to celebrate my 23rd birthday
to stalk shahrukhkhan or just eat bhel

I'm not too sure what to expect, so

Ancient Chinese Proverb #2

Expect little, get little - smile a sad knowing smile
Expect lots, get little - feel like a damned fool

what?

hum

while the cutie is away, the cats shall play
and then they get bored, they miss the cutie
they go "cutie, cutie, come back", sigh

they await the return of the cutie

hitch

So, where would you like to get off?

I don't know.

What do you mean?

You look pretty.

Thank you, um. Well, when will you know?

Your hair smells nice.

Yes, well, when will you know?

Know what?

Ok, please get out.

why?

You frighten me. Please go.

If I said no.. there isn't much you can do.

Please

no..

fun

What sounds like fun? Dancing the night away.
I don't mind, I'd like to try. Even if it isn't, it is still fun to say
I danced the night away

drama queen

my tears are not true
they simply make me pretty
I cry, sometimes I weep
but I do to make me pretty

my tears are as transparent as they are transparent
they are salty, make me pretty
hysterically I wail
but just to make me pretty

what can I say, my face now knows
crying suits me, so bring on the woes

And the Universe delivers

Well, here's a sense of satisfaction. Its been one of those weeks where the Universe decides that you're too slow for the hidden lessons of life and comes right out and teaches you a few things, like a big fat slap on the face would teach you to.. well a big fat slap might teach you just about anything.

See, the Universe usually goes -

let her learn patience from the sun which shines endlessly;
let her learn of generosity from the candle which burns to give light to others, while destroying itself; etc.

However, when you go on ignoring these subtle hints and valuable lessons long enough, things start getting clearer, more direct. You hear all these stories, see all these frighteningly real things - and a lot of the factors involved strike you as having a close resemblance to those arising out of some of your more undesirable characteristics - for example


let her learn that her hysterical behavior will cause her husband (if she ever marries) to leave her and take up tai chi classes in Guilin and her children (if she ever has any) to grow up as wife-beaters from her screaming aunt;
let her learn that if she talks about people behind their backs long enough she will have no one left to talk to from her ex-best friend; and so forth.

So, its been that sort of a week. No, I cannot list out what I've been taught in the espresso shots lesson time by the Universe. Suffice it to say, it was refreshing and well - timed.

Meet a relatively improved ME.

keys

1. Always, always, own your own set of keys;
2. Do Not hand out too many copies to lovers, to friends, to family or neighbours.
3. If you do Not follow No. 2 - do Not then complain about having anything stolen or broken.

disfigured recognition

Someone she held close to her heart had gotten erased from her memory. It might have been because she requested it to be done, or it might have been involuntary. Hardly the point seeing as the end result remains that she does not remember him, and therefore she will not know whether this was what she wanted or not.

So now he comes along in her reality and her dreams, and she does not recognise him. However, fate being ever so sadistic, leaves her with an uneasy sense of familiarity and sadness. She wonders what this sense could be. Being a romantic, she believes it to be love from another time.

She eventually kills herself, because whether it was love from another time or not, it was not love now and this shadow memory fate left her with only frightened her and caused her to weep.

She liked to believe she had control over her mind, when that turned out to be false, she took her own life; it was simply too confusing, too much of a bother to breathe to give life to a mind which had a life of its own, and then where was she?Her soul had been cut in half. It was done, it was a mess and all very confusing. Now shes no more, so lets leave it at that.

on sexual harassment

its tough to define exactly to what extent the actions/words of men can amount to sexual harassment of a woman. The same actions/words by a friend may be forgiven, but coming from someone else might still be harassment. Sometimes, if it does not quite amount to harassment, sadly, its the only thing you can term the horrible thing done/said to get any sort of response from an entirely incapable-of-understanding majority in society.

From personal experience, men seldom, if ever, understand what comprises sexual harassment unless its in a form which slaps you in the face. The anger hurt fear and shame a girl feels when it does happen to her, make it very hard to miss when it does happen. We had a lesson in our sociology course, a class which most people in my class couldn't quite follow, that it is very hard to chalk out the same idea of 'modesty' for every girl - it does differ - so when it comes to outraging a girl's modesty, its very hard to determine when it has been done and when not.

Anyway, I was talking about anger, hurt, fear and shame - very strong emotions - not always translating into strong actions by the girl concerned though. Sometimes, fear or shame is overpowering so we shut up. Sometimes the hurt is overpowering so we cry. And sometimes, the anger is overpowering and we react.

Now, Noone can judge when a girl who has been through such an episode, whether in your eyes it amounts to sexual harrassment or just harmless teasing, has anger, hurt, fear or shame overpowering her. Sometimes, women who have been raped only have the principal element of fear or shame and cannot file a complaint. Sometimes, what maybe construed as harmless teasing, over years of feeling helpless or turning ones back, can allow anger to be overpowering.

If she reacts, and you havent the slightest clue how it feels to be in a position where you feel the way she does then, you shut the hell up. You dont judge. You dont criticise. You dont support. You dont argue. You cannot begin to have the slightest clue, so you shut the hell up.

Its always easy to comment- shouldve complained, or in the other hand, she shouldve not made such a big deal out of something - its personal, complicated and beyond your understanding, whether youre a girl or a boy- honestly, you cannot ever know for sure, so you shut up.

oh happy day

Even though no shopping got done, today has been a good day.
An incredible feeling of satisfaction with life, myself and apple candy.
The trip from city to Shamirpet has never been this beautiful, window seat in the bus, the temple on the way never looked this serene, the weather was lovely and the smell of rain on earth my constant companion for the trip, the neat army houses with large verandahs and yards, the abandoned white building with the prettiest doorway, everything was beautiful, even at peace.
I have very few days left in this college, and I intend to enjoy my time here my way, which is suddenly brilliantly clear to me.

driftythought

Playing a lot of NFS makes me look at all roads differently - dont drink and drive - also dont play NFS and drive.

Pens always go missing before exam days - so does the penseller sometimes.

My phone battery has suddenly gone suicidal on me - and I love my phone.

My haldirams 'tasty treats' packet has remained opened and lying around for more than a week - its still yummy.

(ok its actually 'tasty nuts')

I think Radha is a lovely name - and Karna - but I don't know if I'd name any kid of mine Karna - what if he has terrible luck? - But he might also be the nicest person ever.

Absolut.
Absolut..

I miss my grandfather

hungry.. today's lunch isn't one of the best.

OH wait! its the cool fried ladysfingers

ok bye

Goa Words

• Danza!
• Jamaai
• Spilt-Lumamba
• Strange-man-photo
• Teeth-banging
  
• Tip-rejecting-bastardfaces
• Rose-buds
  
• drunken-test-driving
• 'CHASCAA'
• Activa
• Fort-graffiti
• Not-so-Rajbhag
• Jumpy-Holdy-Waves
  
• Happiness
  
• Giant-Man-Monkey
  
• Vegetarian-mushroom-burger-from-hell
• Holi-crap
• Savior-tide
  
• 'PEOPLE'
• NYU
• Crabby-patch
• One-man-show
  
• Manchurian
  
• Orange-juice-from-heaven
  
• English-Breakfast
• Farewell-dress
• Turtle-search
• Jaws-self-scare
  
• Cuba
• MTV-pharmacist
  
• Homie, Homes, Homibaba a.k.a. Pubby
• Himesh (R)
• Salty-dog
• White-russian
• Jump-up-and-kiss-me
• Golden-fried-squid
  
• Sheep-people
• Purple-yeti-people
• Llama-purple-people

The trip was lovely and well worth the wait :)

International Humanitarian Law (Irony)

IHL is driving me crazy
its so dry and crappy
I take one look at the book and feel lazy
So I close it and feel quite happy

Oh, IHL
why be the bane of my life
Oh, IHL
why make me feeeelll... like stabbingmyselfrepeatedlywitha knife

return to

shaky steps to the future
sure beat standing at the same spot
will eat and laugh, get fat and happy
and maybe grow a lot

and i sing to make me happy and i sing to keep me sad
and i sing to keep life simple and go a little mad

prefect went mad for a while
perfect ly worthwhile

but now im done and ready to be sane
and try never to sink again

Hakuna Matata

I seldom write on first person basis, I don't trust (me, others) enough to do that. However, I have been having a terribly rough patch for the past four or so months forcing me to feel the urge to write more and more in that manner - hence, the side blog - wonderbot diaries. Noone has access to this one but me. Bit pointless it may seem - I have never been good at keeping diaries, but have always wanted to and I find typing allows for a more comfortable link to my brain than the pen on paper mode.

It has mildy helped.

Depression is a frightening and lonely thing. Noone quite understands it, noone quite knows what to do when they find themselves in the downward spiral it brings forth. You can hope others can help you, but they seldom can - as well-meaning and wonderful as they may be. It is after all your brain mind emotion loss worry fear and deep deep drowning sadness. It suffocates, disconnecting your actions from your mind.

It does not help to hear snap out of it; it's not that bad; time heals all; thats no reason to get this upset!; depression is something far more serious than what youre experiencing sweetie; kill yourself then - to cite a few. However, that does not mean that the above phrases hold no truth or actual solutions. It just does not help to hear it.

The thing about it is that it stems out of something so close to your heart, helping it to better grab hold of the same poor heart. Then you cry sleep shout hurt yourself engage in inane activities stare for hours and comtemplate the worst - its simply a battle youre waging against the damn thing but with each of those actions its hold on your heart gets worse.

Vicious cycle as it were.

Honestly, sometimes thinking about the grander scheme of things and how whether or not anything else in life is, death is a sure thing and won't let you down- sometimes - just sometimes - helps. Allows you to say, well my life will surely surely come to an end someday - so might as well try something else now.

Sometimes, the Universe steps up and the whole world goes out of the way to make you happy. That surely helps.

The trick is to Think even while your heart is being strangled by big-old-depression. And sometimes your mind just comes through for you. Says buddy, I got this and poof* you're happy again.

poof* yes.

[hum, not very scientific I understand - do not wish to offend/upset (further?) any similarly or otherwise depressed people.]

Mr. M

he placed her body on the floor. she was still breathing.
he stripped off all her clothes and the dignity tangled up in them
he sliced her body right through the middle, and peeled her skin off slowly
moved some of the slush around, her flesh and blood could not help her now
she died slowly, and he continued

he grinned. there it was. beating away.
he took it in his bare hands, and gave it a squeeze.

pop*
then he slapped her across her bloody face
got up and left

what Misery did to her, only he could do.

sunshine people and the ugly bean.

there are a lot of very very
annoying people in the world

they all seem very merry
making you just want to hurl

they wake up every morning
singing sweet sunshine songs

you yell some usual warnings
but then start to sing along

halfway through the song you know
you have quite compromised

you have sunk, your lowest low
yet don't feel so surprised.

la lal la la la la la aa
la la la la la
la la la la la la la aa
la la la la la

(sing it in a merry tune) (unless you don't want to)

prepare thy floodgates.

crying is something to be wary of as it involves tears and tears are much like most forms of water.

Water through a small pathway, always erodes and makes way for more of itself to flow through. You allow yourself to cry once, a little. Your tears then start to pave their way, bigger, wider and flow through steadily. Eroding your mind and heart through the years; soon nothing can hold them back.

However, as steadily as it flows you always reach a point where you run out.

make me a fellow, hello.

Parvathi, Shiva's wife - She wanted to take a bath and noone was available to stand guard outside. So she decides to make herself a son of clay and mud to stand guard for her as she bathes.

She makes a boy and brings him to life - directs him to not allow Anyone in.

Surely enough, he takes her very seriously and when Shiva returns home, he finds his path blocked by a little boy. Tries to get by him, and cannot. A number of other Gods etc. are called upon to remove this fellow - and they fail.

Vishnu finally comes along and chops his head off with his chakra.

Parvathi comes out crying and accuses them of killing her son. So Shiva finds an elephant's head to replace the head that has been chopped off.

Hello, Ganesha.

(I was just thinking of how it would be if everyone could mould people to their satisfaction. Chaos would result, most probably.)

re-phrase

"kill me Now"

This line goes off in my brain a wonderful number of times in a day. True, I tend to parrot a particular phrase during certain phases of my life - well the latest is this.

With feeling people, say it with me

God what is that awful outfit that girl has on!
Kill me now

Why is it so fucking hot
Kill me now

My life in college is almost over
Kill me now

I'm fat and getting fatter. Tort based remedies in consumer law. Shortcake biscuits got stale. The damned ipod just fell off my bed. I need to wake up for class. True love could be a scam.

Kill me now.

tontyfaihvetheengs about me.

I love talking about myself and thinking about myself too much to not do this.

Dont call me a slut, its rude.

1. I think about my death everyday, in different ways;
2. I believe I'm going clinically and otherwise mental and yes it scares me very much;
3. I am capable of being so happy that my mind hurts, and not as rarely as you/I'd imagine - I'm also capable of being so sad that I get physically sick;
4. I am jealous of every single person I know, well/barely - only the degree of jealousy differs;
5. I often feel small, ugly and insignificant - That does not stop me from wondering what any boy/girl likes/sees in any girl but me;
6. I am capable of being very shallow or selfish, but I do spare those I love;
7. I cannot sing, but for a long while I thought "chura liya" was the one song I could sing miraculously well;
8. My scooter was named Neo, after Keanu Reeves in matrix, because it was all black (reference to said keanu's clothes and not colour), sexy (he was in the movie) and the One (for me);
9. I have had a super childhood, which is now over - so I can make that statement without jinxing it;
10. I am capable of falling in love completely, overwhelmingly and suffocatingly;
11. I take photos of myself constantly and often don't like what I see - so I delete and replace them with much effort of those in which I do like what I see;
12. I'm a gift whore - you can definitely win me over with the right (or somewhat acceptable) gifts - I also have a hundred things ready in my head as what would be perfect gifts for me;
13. I might actually marry anyone who comes up to me with the perfect ring - aside, I think of my marriage/wedding - positively/negatively - almost thrice a week (if not more);
14. I love kids, I'm not sure I want any anymore;
15. An inconvenient truth is the one scary film I have stopped half way and refused to watch;
16. I'm a hypocrite - and I hold in myself everything that I find despicable in others;
17. I manage to love myself despite point 16;
18. I believe my fear of getting sexually assaulted/harassed has hugely affected the way I choose to live my life; (so, essentially, I often end up wishing I'd been born a boy)
19. I end up missing the most random people and not missing the most likely;
20. I cannot keep in touch with friends - and it seldom bothers me that I cannot - however, it bothers me very much that it seldom bothers me that I cannot;
21. I wish I could cook well (still don't know that I can't) - I play online cooking games very very often; (these are games where you make burgers/hotdogs/fries etc as people order them from you - and then you earn money - check cooking category here)
22. I want a doll house and a typewriter;
23. Often, in tense situations, a thought jumps into my head as to what would be the most inappropriate thing for me to do at that point would be, and then I have to very physically stop myself from doing it;
24. I need to pee or puke everytime I think I need to pee or puke and there is no way for me to do it;
25. Twenty five is simply not enough;
26. I would never actually be able to put up twenty five things about me that people don't already know/haven't already guessed up on my blog or even write them down giving them solid existence in the real world.

Twenty Six, Ha!.

passing

there had been
his pharmacy,
his wife at sixteen, at seventy,
his three daughters and one son a stranger,
their children,
love
hope
deep sadness and insult, with not a word spoken and many a tear shed
humour,

overwhelming fear of death

and then,
the air he breathed eloped with his life

Hoobastank

Hooba stank, but not as much as the last few months have for me.

CSJ - Constant Subconscious Jitters

I have CSJ
CSJ I have
I have CSJ and I have it bad

I have CSJ I dont know what to do
If you had CSJ you'd be worried too

t a d a

I, me

only I can speak to me
for only I speak so softly
only I care to comfort
only I can comfort me
if you come and try to feel
what has caused my mind to bleed
my mind bleeds as I speak to me
only I speak so tenderly.

dont call me

for I dont need you, or you.
and when you call me
it reminds me that I do.

suicidal

can it be said,
to be suicidal is not just when you want to kill yourself
but when you would not mind dying.
no.

are you depressed,
when you disregard death and what he stands for.
absence of life.
for there is absence of life in any case.

is it true,
that you can lose your mind, heart and faith
in a moment. by a person. for a concept. for a lie.

call me crazy, suicidal.

ant

clover girl, clever girl
so restless, so blue
she might not seem
so special to you

she is to me
small, sweet
young, free
world at her feet

an open heart is a dangerous thing

like open windows, open hearts let all fly in.
and pain flies in so freely.
you are not blind to the world around,
and in comes flying misery
there are so many people, of so many kinds
and most are so unhappy
you feel their feelings, you read their minds
your heart then starts to bleed

you could close your heart, and close your mind
so you can no longer see
but once you do, please understand
you will also no longer feel

The blind king and his blindfolded wife

Dhritrashtra was the blind king of the Kauravas. His wife Gandhari remained blindfolded, her husband could not see the world, that world she did not wish to see.

Dhritrashtra acted against 'dharma' as understood in the pre kali yuga times. He let his 'evil' son do as he pleased, and remained a blind witness to atrocities committed by him.

He has been punished to serve eternity as a blind man, with a blind wife, in the world as we know it.

I see them every morning, by the side of the ramp on Curry Road station. Begging for alms, blind and begging for alms.

RED

She was pushed to a corner,
increasingly angered,
so choked she could not speak.

Her feelings surrounded her,
and then she surrendered,
and went on a killing streak.

Watch out she comes, the black one,
the witch, cursing and
slashing her sword, it reeks

of hurt and anger,
of sadness turned madness,
on a terrible killing streak.

She cannot be stopped,
She will not be spurned,
All in her path turn weak.

As she wails and rages,
screams and engages,

in a blood immersed,
unholy and cursed,
unspeakable killing streak.

Moonwise

Moon on a roll
went once around
she came to a girl
a boy had found

She told that young girl
see the world like me
before you decide
who the boy is to be

I once fell in love
with the sea, you see
But it wasn't the sea I loved,
it was the way I saw me
reflected off his shine, his beauty
It was still me I loved, so I had to leave

But he still tries to reach me at night
tries to drown me out in high tide
He causes waves, gets rough, storms just so
my reflection in him, I can see no more

So girl be careful, be very wary
for you and I are alike, its only ourselves we see,
But you hurt those you touch, and cause to believe
that your love is true, selfless and free

porcelain

The porcelain doll,
rosy, red,
skips, falls,
breaks, she bled

Her head struck open,
Her skull, a shell,
the porcelain doll,
was stupid as hell

joy

there was a boy, not a toy
so lost, she found
he was her joy

the boy then did become her toy,
her will her wish her wants
her joy

the boy then found a will to find
himself his soul his mind
his joy

the girl she lost her will to find
she lost her boy, her toy
her joy

the end

Heartless Girl

She laid her heart at his feet
And hurt when it got trampled on

‘Half wit girl, why did you lay it there’

‘He smiled at me, sang me a song,
From then to me it did not belong
So I laid it there, to win my love
And he walked out, not looking down
I now cannot mend the thing,
I leave it there and move on’

‘Heartless girl, where will you go?’

She replies not, she carries on

end of psychogirl.

starting up a brand new day

I have so much work to do and no will to do it. Any post I write now is going to sound like I've been locked up in a dungeon to be released to the lions. Um. or some such thing. As you might have made out from the last post. Hum.

Now and then I decide to start my life over. I am yet to succeed. Not that my life sucks that I need to, but I suppose a general desire for change has crept in. This coming from a person who detests change. But, well, I turned a new age recently (ahem) and I think its time to turn over a new leaf and maybe finally grow up.

Boring as that sounds. Its time to kiss psychogirl goodbye. Ok maybe a pat on the back will do.

Pat*

tired of talking to Mr. E
tired of telling him how I feel
tired of asking him where to be
tired, more tired than you would believe

tired of thinking of ways to breathe
tired of being tied to the seat
by strings of my heart, by strings of deceit
tired, so tired I'll admit defeat

tired of wondering how he feels
Mr. E, I'm tired you see
tired of worrying of when you will leave
tired, oh tired of you and me.

two souls

.

why talk about two when there are so many

these two are linked in ways so many

these two are doomed by lies so many

in the realm of insanity like so many



These two souls that i speak of

they come from hearts broken and reek of

sadness and blindness and a mix of

love and dreams and hope of



a future, which stopped meaning to be.



.

dawn.

There are no new days,
and we are, forced to live to see our love die
and we are, forced to cry to save our own lies
and we are, forced to see through worlds of glass

There are no new days, while there is memory.

I would like a drink

pour me something
keep it sweet and cold.
get me high
let me speak
when I tire myself out
carry me home

Introducing: alter ego.

(Found this in my drafts folder. Weird, I don't remember it at all. Someone said its like I have "an intense alter ego". It could also be that I am crazy/ or dont relate to stuff I write. Yes, I can suck the romance out of life. Anyway, here it is.)

Let me into your world,
I know you exist, I know you are real
It is time now I know it, I can feel it
See right through this dream into you

Your world is mine too

Let me into your world,
Is there really no fear there, no demons no lies,
No need to place your life elsewhere,
Where it does not belong, with who

Your world is mine too

I shall cry, a tantrum I shall throw,
You have taken away from me what I cherish most.
How would you feel, do you want my place here.
But how can I be, without you

Your world is mine too

doodle bar.

wonderful weather, come to shankar's with me?

I
in her world of sleep and sound
lost in her world, of sleep and sound
in her own world, her very own,
just lost, without wanting to be found,
by me.

II
there are books, there is money, plenty
immerse yourself, in your empty,
room.
think twice, is this what you want,
to live without what youve got.
In secrets, in layers, never to be discovered,
by me.

III
And you smile, but not at me
and i know you will be there, just not with me
looks like i need you, but cannot ask
instead ill walk with you, in a dream woven true,
by me.

IV
she says, "wonderful weather.."
out loud, or in her mind, it does not matter.

Fly off a building, land to meet death

Speak harsh words, cause hurt and regret

If thats what it takes, to see

The wonder, it is to be

Free

Go ahead, start your own band

Take a walk, have some juice

Think of all the things, you wanna do

Life lets you, lets you decide

When you cease to live, while still alive

.

There are some rules, if you care

If you don't, well, they're still there

Find a corner, if you seek to hide,

Life lets you, lets you decide

bucket

Alright Universe, I got it. This time I got it, really.
I understand that you do not intend me to ever have any of my plans executed to perfection.
So, I should, ideally, stop making these plans and go with the flow. Yes, I got it.
You've now made it wonderfully RIN SUPREME clear that I am never going to get anything if I want it that much already. I have finally comprehended that I will never have a say in where life takes me.

Yup.
Youve emptied your big blue bucket of water over my head.
Though drenched, and unhappy about being wet, I really do Get It.

Zero Mile Stone

for those interested, this is what the zero mile stone looks like. Its kept like a dump and smells like a dump. But i wasnt complaining. (much)

Wonderbot

I had the most amazing cheesecake.
I had oranges.
I got to dress up in my new clothes.
I got to go to nagpur and see the zeromilestone. Which marks the center of British India.
I got to swing, on a swing.
I had nice italian salad.
I got to stay in a single room, with attached bathroom for three days.
I spoke to a hoopler. for a long time, and laughed a lot.
I got chacha chaudhary stamps. (free with the books) (some triangular ones also)
I am going home this weekend.

Wonderbot.

हिन्दी मे वार्तालाप

मेरा नाम वीना है। मैं नाल्सर नाम के एक महाविद्यालय मैं पद्थी हूँ।
कम्बक्थ इश्क है जो, सारा जहाँ है वह। येः ही येः । येः ही येः।

अब मैं चलती हूँ।
धन्यवाद।

me

I go to the terrace whenever i feel unhappy.
I play music (carefully chosen) really loudly, sometimes on repeat, and i walk up and down.
This is when I've hit an all-time low.

I then stand up next to the railings, hold on and look up to the sky.
It is invariably filled with diamonds
The wind invariably goes wild

Thats when I feel special,
Thats who I turn to,
Thats how i get happy again.

Psychogirl - the making of

The thing is,
she cannot forgive and forget.
In fact,
she can Neither forgive Nor forget.

Therein lies why she is miserable, and psycho.
Therein also lies the reason why you should stay the hell away from her.

Jigsaw.

Some people claim that they were born mothers, wives, girlfriends, their life is a map and then there are others who are none of the above. They were born messed in the head and lost from the start. It is probably easier to cope with life as it has made itself out to be in this day and age if you belong to the latter category than the former. There is no scope for order, and there is lesser scope for expectation. The former are invariably filled with expectations, the chances of their lives ending in disappointment and an overflowing sadness is higher. Much higher.



Fall into the world, long for nothing.

(ancient chinese proverb)



I belong to the former category. I belong with order, plans and purpose. They seem to avoid me.

My life is not chaotic, no that would be too strong. My life is just taking its own damn course, and leaving me out.



I have plenty of ideas for cards and gifts and rooms and museums and gardens and posters and cds and love. They fit in my plan, my plan doesn't fit thats all. Call me - ill lend them to you.



Goodnight.

flood

I would, if I could..

Create so much beauty.
draw it, paint it, sculpt it, make it.
do whatever it takes, to ensure
your eyes smile, crinkle and cry

Create such music, hum it sing it
fill your surroundings, your life with it.
do whatever it takes, to ensure
you sigh, for otherwise your heart would burst

Create such flavour, make your head swim
get you guacamole, if guacamole is what you want
do whatever it takes, to ensure
you eat enough to sleep nice

I would fill your head with love, make your troubles
disappear.
do whatever it takes, to ensure
your smile stays warm

I would flood your senses if I could

listen

I place my dreams with you
in the hope that you can keep them alive

with me they get entangled with reason,
and eventually die.

creak.

From far, much too far
he tugs at her heart
working dreams of twisted futures
to merge and rip their worlds apart

They were meant for this, unless
the universe conspires

Then there are games we play,
through slippery nights and dragging days
stopping time at times to think
to think and drive our dreams away

We were meant for this, unless
the universe conspires

sense

Burgle aick en stoof.
Burgle aick en stoof.
Cherko maen cherko staan
Woor pe sticky wonty

Burgle aick en bask.
Burgle aick en bask.
Cherko wesh cherko reef
Mer lin Mar vin Menty

Whatawhatawhatawhata
whata squishy monkey
whatawhatawhatawhata
whata fluffy too

A letter for death to deliver

She writes a letter for death to deliver to her loved ones
in the fond hope that it would help destroy any guilt, remorse, regret or disgrace
That it might help reveal to them the person she was in the innermost chambers
of what might well be her soul, of what definitely was her heart as her mind knew it to be.

For she is scared, of dying and leaving behind a sorrow which is burdensome
so much so that it destroys more than what her presence was ever worth.
She is scared of confusion, hatred and love spreading to where they do not belong,
to where they will transform into a deep engulfing shadow, devouring what she left behind.

She wants to be remembered, but she needs them to acknowledge her death and the person she truly was, with the niceness and the not.
She was never an angel on earth, and death mixed with grief from love

often converts one to an angel after.

She would be in peace then, if they truly understood.
The choices she had made, how their love had shaped her, how her tears were not true.
For all her life she has been happy, lucky.
With no regrets

paintbrush doodles.

Victoria's Secret

[This will be the first episode of many to follow in a little series I will be writing (when I feel like) called Victoria's Secret. Do not confuse it with the popular lingerie brand. Nope. This is a serious, gripping, tear-jerking, frightening story about a girl called Victoria.]

(Galloping Horse Sound)* didnt quite know how to make a horse galloping sound. Wait.
Badabap, Badabap, Badabap.

No?

(ok basically there is this galloping horse.)

She carries a sharp gleaming sword.

(Thats how swords should be maintained, such that they gleam. When light falls on them they should look like they're ablaze. Rusty swords aren't any good. They might do the job as well, but what of grandeur, a sense of glory.

She pulled out a rusty sword and inserted it, with considerable effort, into his abdomen.
She pulled out a sharp gleaming sword and neatly sliced his head off.

mm..

you get the idea.)

Anyway, she carries a sharp gleaming sword. Tonight she will have her revenge..

[What is her secret? Stay tuned for more]

Mine

let me put you in a box
carry it in my pocket

...what if i lose it
ill lose you then

then again.
i probably lost you when i put you in a box.

Come to me

(He goes to the tip, looks over, its a long fall. He steps back.)

Wow, that would hurt.

Yes, yes it would.

Splat, and that would be the end of me. The end of my existence
in this world, universe.. as far as it extends to whatever depths.
I would be out of here, forever.

Mm, for all he knows.. yes he would be out of there forever. But
he would never be alone, and what he seeks to escape would never
let him go.

Wow, it would hurt. Maybe death would be instantaneous.
But the drop, while Im falling, I would still be alive. I would still be thinking.

So.

Im such a horrible person, I should jump.
I have hurt her, I have lost her trust and her love.
Ive lost her smile, the smile reserved for me, gone.

Y e s, you deserve to die you bastard. Now just jump.

I spoilt her, what she was before she is no more.
Wow, Im a poet now? Argh, never serious! I dont even know if I truly
feel any more, if I ever truly felt at all. Do I actually care about her, what
I did to her, what she became due to my acts, my ideas, ME.
Id say the same old thing..

You dont know

..I dont know

Ive heard this enough, Im getting impatient. please..

Did I love her?

No, no you didnt. Stop thinking, stop it. stop.

I dont know. I know i never wanted her hurt, I never wanted her to cry,
I never wanted her to wake up unhappy. I wanted her to eat well, to buy her
nice things, to hold and hug her. Protect her.

what..

I failed, I did love her. And she loved me..
She did..

I dont even know where she is now.. I cant find her, and I shouldnt try to.
After that last fight, she left me forever.

I died, thats what.

I hope shes happy wherever she is. Its getting cold..

Thats right.. come to me

Today Morning

I wake up somewhat late. My alarm was ringing from 7 but i got up only by some 8.05am that too cos i realised i want to have a bath. (not that i didnt bathe yesterday. cos i did)

Just felt icky thanks to the moov that id applied on my neck (oh ya my neck is fucked) Then i realise since ive run out of blue soap (detergent soap. clothes soap. whatever you prefer) i must use the brand new bar that ive bought. The "RIN BAR IS NOW SURF EXCEL BAR" bar of soap.

So i pull it out. Its gigantic. And only half would fit my blue soap dappa (the dappa is also blue) So i pull out my sexy swiss army knife to cut it in half. As my roommate put it "its easy Veena". Yes. So i cut. The knife bounces off the surface.

Hmm.. interesting.

So i saw. not like i see i saw.. but like i cut with a saw. I saw with a saw .. saw. The action of sawing. You get it. Hahn, so i saw. Of no use. I barely make a scratch.

Hmm...

So i saw even faster. And i try a bit of drilling, hammering, throwing against a wall.
No use. They should make helmets out of blue soap.

Anyway. So I finally realise its already 8.25 and im getting nowhere. then

TADAHHDADADISH*
BRAIN STORM

I dunk the soap in water. and saw at the same time. from all sides. with great strength
and vigour. Finally by 8.35 it comes apart. And i run to bathe. I miss breakfast. I reach class

The end.

while you were sleeping

introducing my roommate...

drained

.
dry mind and dry eyes
from long dreamless nights
shes fighting her thirst to die
finding ways, fighting time
keeping her life in sight

who does what she does
who knows who cares
so high so high so high
hear her laugh, see her fly
how did she get so high
.

psychogirl II

It has beautiful eyes.
Its quite tiny actually, fits into the palm of her hand.
It listens to her, loves her.
Poke it. poke. poke. poke.

It goes away, she misses it.
the little piece of fluff.
it makes her so happy, she cries
it is her world of one

the urge to eat it up is also quite strong.
gobble.
its quite rare.
and she isnt letting go.

the hoopler.

Victoria's Secret

[This will be the first episode of many to follow in a little series I will be writing (when I feel like) called Victoria's Secret. Do not confuse it with the popular lingerie brand. Nope. This is a serious, gripping, tear-jerking, frightening story about a girl called Victoria.)

(Galloping Horse Sound)* didnt quite know how to make a horse galloping sound. Wait.

Badabap, Badabap, Badabap.

No?

(ok basically there is this galloping horse.)

She carries a sharp gleaming sword.

(Thats how swords should be maintained, such that they gleam. When light falls on them they should look like they're ablaze. Rusty swords aren't any good. They might do the job as well, but what of grandeur, a sense of glory.

She pulled out a rusty sword and inserted it, with considerable effort, into his abdomen.
She pulled out a sharp gleaming sword and neatly sliced his head off.

mm..

you get the idea.)

Anyway, she carries a sharp gleaming sword. Tonight she will have her revenge..

[What is her secret? Stay tuned for more]

depression

watch her crumble
she was so hard
then came the tears
turned her brittle

how she wails
she Screams
it hurts

She screams and screams and screams
please make her stop, before she

watch her crumble

she is powder
dust

gone

dont ask me

it takes only a few minutes of idle thought to make one realise that there is nothing.
we live.
we die.

if anyone really gets that. they cannot move on.
it is absolutely impossible.
they must stop. and change.

if anyone really gets the size of this existence.
the lack of reason.
the uncertainity.
the grief. the absence of meaning.

if anyone stops to think. hard.

i suppose its really a good thing that people are absorbed in the ratrace.
in their cooking. in their grades. fights. parties. discounts. tv shows. whatnot

if everyone realised what some do. inadvertently by mistake.
they might kill themselves. not realising how they contribute
to the general nothingness that way.

or they might let go. and Decide to live. for what life might actually be.
if there is a reason.
if it is to have meaning.

psychogirl I

what do you call a girl who spends half an hour thinking about whether those who love her still would if she were to one morning shrink to one fifth her normal size?

.. more on psychogirl.. soon..

understatement

heart break

.

heart torn out stamped upon cut into uneven little pieces some fed to dogs and others burnt crisp and rolled in mud.

.

now youre getting somewhere.