depression

watch her crumble
she was so hard
then came the tears
turned her brittle

how she wails
she Screams
it hurts

She screams and screams and screams
please make her stop, before she

watch her crumble

she is powder
dust

gone

dont ask me

it takes only a few minutes of idle thought to make one realise that there is nothing.
we live.
we die.

if anyone really gets that. they cannot move on.
it is absolutely impossible.
they must stop. and change.

if anyone really gets the size of this existence.
the lack of reason.
the uncertainity.
the grief. the absence of meaning.

if anyone stops to think. hard.

i suppose its really a good thing that people are absorbed in the ratrace.
in their cooking. in their grades. fights. parties. discounts. tv shows. whatnot

if everyone realised what some do. inadvertently by mistake.
they might kill themselves. not realising how they contribute
to the general nothingness that way.

or they might let go. and Decide to live. for what life might actually be.
if there is a reason.
if it is to have meaning.

psychogirl I

what do you call a girl who spends half an hour thinking about whether those who love her still would if she were to one morning shrink to one fifth her normal size?

.. more on psychogirl.. soon..

understatement

heart break

.

heart torn out stamped upon cut into uneven little pieces some fed to dogs and others burnt crisp and rolled in mud.

.

now youre getting somewhere.

dont push me

me. psycho. soon to be.
people here driving me crazy.

want a gun.
to shoot someone.

wont at all be sorry.

tickles test

i took a tickles test (yes) to find out my true talent.
took me half hour. answering questions.

what is my true talent you ask?

NUMERICAL it says.
Numerical.

mm.
numerical.

fahk

Apparently numbers are closest to my heart.
Apparently I should've taken up math or something related for a career.
Apparently I have to pay 25$ for a 30 page detailed report on my numerical skills.

The toughest question in the test follows:

6/? = ?/54

a) 2
b) 234
c) 18
d) 11

did you answer 18?
guess what. your true talent is NUMERICAL.

sigh. i must go work

kitchen set

what i wanted for a long long long time. not this exactly but similar.

i want to be a kid again.
a rich one.

heh.

little girl

little girl
she asks herself

am I dying
am I dying
am I dying

little girl
she kills herself

asking




she is young
she is nice
but she must stop asking

for there is no answer to her query.


yet I must try

to die one must live
I tell her

she smiles and she forgets
I cannot help her

stereogram

something i adored when i was a kid.
autostereograms. or just stereograms

or simpler still. magic photos as i used to call them

ok .. autostereograms it is then.

anyway I was saying.. something i adored when i was a kid

why you ask?
a. theyre fun. you never know what image is going to pop out at you.
b. hardly any of the other kids (idyuts) could see what I so clearly could... ahem.
c. ok.. there is no c.

try this.

starter tips: you are supposed to do a squinty starey thing at the mush of colours and *pop* you see a 3d image. C o n c e n t r a t e

(if im not helpful try this <-- link )


well?
do you see it?

No it is not flamingoes.
or sharks or water falls.

It is an image of three interlocked rings!!
ta daa.

Well I see it...

Speak of me

Start now, go on.
Speak of me.

See how I listen. Sense my joy
As you speak of me

Tell me what my world is.
Tell me what my smile means.
Tell me what I look like. Why I say what I do and think the way I do.

Speak of me.
I will believe it to be true.
If it feels like I want it to be.

Speak of my love
For you, for him, for them, for none
My dreams, dreamt to come true
My tears, shed for sleep

To speak of me,
Passionately, sadly, through music, words
Who am I to you

I will believe it to be true, if it feels like I want it to be.
I know not myself, only you know me.

jealousy

your happiness devours mine

stephanie says

Class

So bloody boring
So many flies
Lets hope the bells ring
Before somebody dies

Claustrophobia

You built walls
Nice. sturdy. strong. walls
You needed support

Just support?
No.

You needed protection
You needed to keep people away
to keep people in
You needed something to do

So you built walls
Around you.

One day. you realise.
You are walled in.

You have been walled in for quite a while now.
Still - You lived in blissful ignorance.

Now you see them
The wonderful walls.
Confining you.

You choke. You scream
You cry.
You cannot break them

For they were not simply built with bricks and cement.
They were built with strange things. in varying proportions.

Strange things.

Boredom. Desperation. Love

tower and ship

fragile

she woke up

she stepped out of herself and saw the world for what it was.
what she called reality was a translucent dream.

she could see through it.

into what

the truth she says. she hears herself say.
the truth

that she has been living in a dream.
those she loved were illusions.
fragments.
wisps.

they do not exist.
they will leave soon.

she will leave them soon.

she is confused.


if reality is not real.

what



'ignorance was bliss' she hears herself think.
if that could be called ignorance.


she felt like she did when lying back on the grass and looking up at the night sky.
how endless it seemed.

what lay beyond all those stars planets galaxies. wondering

mind slipping.



fear

of death ?

elephant festival

i spent a whole day watching the elephant festival on kairali.

what a kick!

let me explain.

no no. i insist.

there are two rows of grandly dressed elephants. facing each other. across a good distance of course. each row outside a temple.

there are three men on top of each elephant. holding up umbrellas.

it be a competition. yes! a competition where each team (each row is a team) puts up new umbrellas. and the team with the most imaginative and wonderful umbrellas wins.

wins what i dont quite know. sorry

irrelevant question anyway. the excitement is what counts. and the brilliant umbrellas. shaped like Gods lamps trees and flowers.

they just keep putting them up. and the crowd goes wild.


this be the elephant festival. takes place in thrissur.

trust mallus to come up with something this random. man. elephants and umbrellas (ohh and music. crazy temple drums. wild rhythmic beating)

add a couple of Gods to it. its a festival!



life is beautiful yes?

why

Ive never been incredibly enthusiastic about going to america.

but then. my family went ahead and planned a nice trip. spent an amount of money.
got all excited.

I must admit.

got me all excited.

disneyland.

anyway. got all excited. booked everything. all that remained was the visa.
we were certain there could be no good reason for rejecting us. this time

first. long queue under chennai sun.
second. long queue in a small room with some hundred people. two fans. no water.
third. long queue to interview.

then Mr. Mark Fry walks in. looks around. asks everyone to sit down. started speaking

*onetightslap*

I wanted to give him.

he took on this condescending tone. went on to act like all of us were filthy black impoverished indians who were flocking to his beautiful perfect America out of desperation. salvation.

he then proceeded to teach us good manners. how to greet the interviewers. how to speak to them. how to smile the whole while. and if rejected to walk away calmly. no questions asked.

and then. adding insult to injury.
a guy stands up and starts praising him. he says "Mr. Mark Fry I love your attitude. I like you. I want to be like you. thank you enlightening us poor third world village bums."

ok he didnt quite put it that way. but you get the drift.

I felt humiliated.
cheap.

worst of all.

inferior.


I had to go through that. for what? nothing. all that was in store next was some american woman rejecting just my visa.

why?

she does not have to say. US immigration laws.

mysterious wonderful US immigration laws.

waste of money. waste of time. disappointment

fuck them

my foot

 

beautiful

it touches you deep inside. grabs your heart and gives it a little shake.
it suffocates you. tears flow. and yet you are smiling helplessly. inside outside.

you think

the meaning of life. meaning of existence. meaning.
it brings meaning to almost everything. meaning to whatever it touches.

no. it does not always bring happiness. not even satisfaction.

it overwhelms you. a mere undefinable overwhelming feeling. a feeling that fills you.
takes over.

yearn.



you crave more. you feel deeply.
you cry.



so beautiful

you must break away.
before it grabs hold.


move on

tamil

In library working on random project. borrowed headphones.

tam playlist

aah

listening to tamil songs after so long.

couldn't stop myself from smiling like a moron each time a new song began.
just felt so nice.

so home.

each song bringing on a rush of memories. heady

school. random trips to beach playing antakshari. prancing around with cousins as a kid. jokes. teenage daydreams. tears. love of my life kamalhaasan. superhits. gaana

i miss that lifestyle. the tam lifestyle. hehe

i cant seem to speak tamil properly anymore. stutter stammer break off into english some vagueass accent. whats the point of being a chennai ponnu if i dont know chennai tamil.

blah. nonsense. once tam always tam. for better or worse :)
itll be back to normal once i get home.

now

back to petai rap

!?!

Its a nice enough day.

You're thinking about mundane things.

what shitty weather * damn missed the last episode of desperate housewives * i wonder if i should bother watching v for vendetta * whats for dinner tonight *

(i never claimed to be an incredibly interesting person did i?)

then


BAM@*(&"


Its the end of semester!


newenglishprof.projects.articles.deadlinesofallsorts.exams.sleeplessnights



aagh.


sound horn please

more

SHUT UP

shut up.

just shut up. keep quiet. hold your tongue.shut your trap.zip it.

did i ask you

did i beg.plead

did i need to know

did i want to talk about it


NO

Go away.


but dont leave me alone

What say?

please to tell me what you think of these. yus?

automated

tring tring

Hello. This is your friend. How are you? How is life? Whats been up?.
For boyfriend problems press 1. Feeling depressed? press 2. Got some great news? press 3. If its none of the above press 4.

1. Dont worry about it! Its going to be fine. all these things are normal in a relationship. you guys are meant to be together. :)

2. What happened? are you ok? Listen take good care of yourself alright. nothings ever so bad.

3. WOW. congratulations. good for you.

4. So. How are you? How is life? whats been up?

click

I want

* to get decked up and go party
* to eat good mexican food
* some damn cousin of mine to get married
* a trip to goa
* to see new tamil movies as soon as they release and not on cd some years later
* my projects to get done on their own (or someone else to do them for me *hint)

and so on..

growing up

growing up is to start thinking.

no. not to just start thinking. it is to start thinking too much.
overtime.
excessive.

it is also to forget.

people say its a gradual thing, growing up
it isnt.

it always creeps up on me suddenly.
Suddenly. my friends aren't my type anymore. the guy i like is a juvenile prick. the one who knew everything knows not so much. isnt oh so right.

there are others. better others. replacing the once weres. why? because i started thinking too much. i grow up and leave people behind. abruptly. forgetting why they ever meant anything to me.

leaving in me no hint of regret. remorse. sometimes only relief that they passed by so easily.

growing up is to leave behind.
so when you like the way things are at present. you are afraid of growing up. afraid of turning cold and leaving behind what matters so much to you now.

even worse. afraid that people around you will grow up and leave you behind.

Cheesecake

This be an original plain cheesecake

This be a blueberry cheesecake

I think I'm going to cry..

black

first

horrible day. fuck everyone. fuck life. i wish i were home. i want to jump off this building. i want to slap her. what does he think. who the hell. why the fuck. aaarghhh

then

i hate my life. i hate myself. what am i doing here. what is all this worth. pathetic. lost

silence. it starts.

to let yourself down.

ah.

now theres something

mediocrity. mediocre. average

you look inside yourself and find nothing. nothing to show for the years thatve gone by.
you have no idea who you are. what you like.what you want.

if you want anything at all.

living for the sake of living?

Then you stop looking inside because you start seeing things that you really cant handle. not now. not for a while.

you see what actually goes on in your head. ideas thoughts words images that disgust you. everthing you hate about others right inside you. then you close your mind.

open your eyes. there is the real world. you tell yourself to stop sounding like a drama queen. and that nothing is ever that bad.

not you. not life.

pull yourself together. smile

till the next time you look inside..

top o the morning to ya

thought it was one of those mornings when you pop out of bed happy. "im gonna kick this days ass".you decide to get dressed nice. have a healthy breakfast and pay attention in class. come back to room after a heavy lunch . "siesta!". and then read some. eat some. have long walk with boy.

hah.

Man proposes.. pfft

Didnt exactly pop out of bed. but was happy. "smiley". the breakfast.. well it was horrible. but its ok we move on. managed to pay attention in three out of four classes. (pat on the back sweet)

then.

dun dun dun DUNN.

its not that bad really. managed to salvage bits of it. attempted a tolkien quiz without having read any of his books. got 3/36. even managed to have fun for a bit. thanks to some

now.

bored. tired. restless.



jump jump jump jump jump

splash

I have this sudden craving to create. paint draw sketch colour shade smudge cut glue. to take large sheets of thick white paper get something to eat drink some music an empty room. and create.

to imagine. let my mind run wild and come out with something thats pure brilliance.

s i g h.

If only I could drag my lazy ass to general bazaar and buy myself some supplies.

everythings turning gray otherwise.slowly but surely.. same people. same conversations. same clothes. same food. gray.

I want a sudden splash of colour in my life. something brand new. bright beautiful new

cough

ah yes... well..

apparently unless i publish a post.. or post a note.. or .. um.. make a post?.. ok something .. apparently unless i do that i cant see what my blog looks like.. so.. well

*post*